


All That We Are

by RiaVicto



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fiction, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Unrequited Love, absolute rubbish, trash probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 01:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12355101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaVicto/pseuds/RiaVicto
Summary: "Friends? How can we stay friends? We were never friends."





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> So, I'm back with a new story! I hope you like it :)  
> I'm not sure how often I will be able to update as life is pretty busy atm. But I've been sitting on this for a while, and hopefully this will encourage me to pull my finger out! 
> 
> Please leave your thoughts, comments, criticisms. Good, bad, indifferent! It helps so much and helps me feel a little less like I'm shouting into the void. Haha. 
> 
> Anyway, I'll shut up. Enjoy! 
> 
> x

_// Chapter 1 //_

_// You Had to Be a Big Shot Last Night //_

 

 

At exactly 4pm Dan finished his shift in the painfully trendy student bar - nothing but the finest of clichés for him - and with a flourish he threw his bar apron at the young man taking over from him. In his eagerness to leave, he all but vaulted the bar.

"One of those days, huh?" Charlie laughed, tying Dan's discarded apron around his waist.

"It's going to be one of those weeks, Charlo," Dan confirmed.

Charlie grumbled at the news, knowing his shift was only going to be worse, and slid Dan's usual drink of Jameson's and coke across the bar. It was the end of exam season, which meant their little bar would be slammed every day. It was a tradition almost every student in Leeds obeyed, as soon as you finished your last exam, you headed to the old bar on campus. Those were the rules.

Holding the glass like his life depended on it and took a long swig. Perfect, full to the brim with ice, not too much mixer and a squeeze of lime, just how he liked it. He thanked Charlie and received a satisfied nod in return. Another large sip and Dan settled into a seat at the bar. He and Charlie chatted easily as the boy went about his shift, serving the few customers and restocking the bar in preparation for the onslaught later on.

"It's going to be a busy one tonight," Dan informed and began listing off instructions to Charlie and the other staff behind the bar.

"Dan," Charlie said firmly, "you're not working tonight, relax," Charlie laughed and poured Dan another drink, as if getting drunk would stop Dan being a control-freak.

"I'm not staying anyway. I've got-"

"I know, I know, ‘Two essays and an exam next week'," Charlie cut Dan off with a terrible impression of him, "Look, Kyle is over there. Go sit with him, before you piss me off and I chuck you out," he said with a wink and turned to serve someone else.

He was joking but Dan knew the threat was very real. Sliding off the bar stool, Dan slung his backpack over his shoulder and made his way to where Charlie had pointed. Indeed Kyle was there, he was hard to miss even situated as he was in the middle of a large group of friends. Dan didn't really know Kyle all that well, he worked at the bar with Dan and Charlie, but he was fairly new and didn't pick up many shifts. They'd probably only met a handful of times.

Dan almost doubled back on himself and straight out of the door, but amongst the group of people he spotted his friend, Kate and made a bee-line for her. Kate was sitting at the pool tables and as usual had a group of admirers around her, of which Dan was now one.

"Hey Dan!" Kate smiled brightly, pulling him into an all-encompassing hug.

Kate was the station manager for Leeds Student Radio, or LSR for short. Dan had met her when he and his best friend Sophie had presented an ill-fated show for a few months. Despite their short lived careers as the voices of LSR - between the hours of 5 and 7 am Monday to Wednesday - they were still good friends with Kate and their fellow radio lovers. These days however, both Dan and Sophie stuck to their lane and their much favoured medium of print journalism.

"What are you doing here?" Kate asked, taking a careful sip of her very large glass of white wine.

"Just finished my shift, I work here," Dan clarified.

"Of course! I did know that," Kate laughed apologetically, "do you know Kyle then?" she said pointing to the tall, slim boy playing pool. Dan nodded.

Kyle looked up at the sound of his name and gave Dan an acknowledging smile, before returning to his game. He bowed his head in concentration and in a smooth, practised action he took his shot. The white ball bounced around the table and two coloured balls fell into different pockets. Kyle looked back at Dan and winked. Show off, Dan thought.

"We're all on the same course," Kate answered Dan's unspoken question and waved her hand around the group, "we're not casual alcoholics, we did our last exam today," Kate explained, as if a group of students drinking in the afternoon needed an explanation.

Kate raised her glass, it sloshed dangerously but didn't spill. The people in her immediate vicinity did the same and they all clinked their glasses together, "To us!" Kate exclaimed and a small cheer chorused around her.

"Your glass is empty," a voice said from next to Dan. He turned to the source and Kyle handed him a bottle of beer.

"Thanks," Dan took the bottle, cheers'd with everyone else and took a sip. Dan held the bottle out for Kyle to take back, but Kyle refused.

"Keep it, I was double parked," Kyle said holding up the beer in his hand, eyeing Dan as he took a sip, "Fancy a cig?" Kyle asked.

Dan ran his hand through his wild hair, messing with it slightly as he followed Kyle outside.

They talked and laughed and sipped their drinks. Dan finished his cigarette first, having puffed on it slightly nervously as he listened to Kyle talk. He had a heavy North London accent, stronger than Dan's slightly softer South London counter part, which Kyle teased him about a few times.

"I'm not posh!" Dan laughed, shoving Kyle in the shoulder.

"Yeah?" Kyle smirked, he'd clearly hit a nerve, "Where are you from again?" he asked, a knowing smirk playing at his lips.

"Southfields."

"Which is where?" he urged Dan.

"Wimbledon," Dan admitted eventually.

"I rest my case, Your Honour," Kyle teased, stubbing out his cigarette.

Dan fidgeted. This would normally be the point you'd go back inside and re-join the non-smokers. But he didn't want to, he wanted to stay out here. Dan looked at his beaten up calculator watch, it was nearly 7! How long had they been talking?

He watched Kyle, his shoulders slumped slightly and he was looking through the window towards the bar, watching the people inside. The lights had been dimmed and the music was turned up. Several people were now dancing and the general atmosphere of the bar had turned loud and raucous.

"I don't want to go back in," Kyle moved his eyes back to Dan, not recoiling under Dan's gaze or making any move that suggested he was nothing but comfortable with it.

"Me neither," Dan admitted quietly, playing with his pack of cigarettes.

"One more, and we'll join the others?" Kyle offered and Dan nodded too enthusiastically, making himself blush.

Considering they worked at a bar full of young, hip, attractive employees, the fact that Kyle was considered the 'hot new guy' was quite the achievement. He had large, dark eyes and all the makings of what could be a great beard one day. His hair was dark and sleek, and fell in a neat fringe across his forehead, curling slightly around his ears and neck where it was in need of a trim. He dressed like an indie kid, and looked like a young Alex Turner. But Dan knew he listened to all that dance, and house music that sounded like an iPod breaking, and made Dan's ears bleed.

All the girls at work had a crush on Kyle. It was an open secret that they talked about all the time, and Kyle clearly enjoyed the attention. Call it his gay-dar, or whatever, but Dan didn't quite believe the carefully cultivated ladies man routine. 

Firstly, as far as Dan was aware Kyle hadn't actually slept with anyone from work ... yet. Which was more than could be said about 90% of the staff, Dan included. And secondly, the gay-scene on campus wasn't huge and Dan had seen Kyle around. 

Kyle was gay, or at least curious Dan was sure of it.

Much to Dan's disappointment, the two eventually went back inside, Kyle back to his friends and Dan to Kate. Despite himself, he was having a good time. He was more drunk that he had any right to be, but everyone was friendly and kept including him in the round of shots. So he pushed any thoughts of revision and essays out of his mind and decided to stay and enjoy himself.

"I do it my own way, _Tom_!" Kyle shouted from across the room, catching Dan's attention.

"What are they up to?" Kate laughed from next to Dan and they watched as Kyle and his friends chatted animatedly like little monkeys. Or otters, Dan thought, scrambling all over each other in joyful abandon.

"Oi, Simmons, get out of it!" Charlie called sternly from behind the bar, as a bar stool and several glasses got knocked over.

"Sorry boss!" Kyle called and immediately dropped to the floor to retrieve that shards of glass.

"Oh Christ," Kate mumbled before she walked over to sort the situation.

As much fun as Dan was having with his new friends, throughout the night he found his eyes kept drifting over to Kyle. They went outside for another a couple of cig breaks, Kyle always wading through the crowd to find Dan before he went out. But they were never alone again.

Dan watched Kyle from afar as he joked with his friends, the way they jostled for attention, shouting over each other, laughing loudly and spiritedly. It was easy to see why they all liked each other. They all had that laid back confidence and easy charm. Especially Kyle.

Dan wondered why he'd never paid this much attention to Kyle before. They'd only met a few times and to be honest Dan had always been slightly nervous around him. Kyle was commanding, undoubtedly and unexpectedly funny. But Dan had found himself rolling his eyes at Kyle's larking about and always assumed he would be a bit of an arrogant idiot. A few minutes of conversation and Dan's opinion was changing drastically.

Dan _had_ been right though, about everything. But Dan had been surprised to find that Kyle also very sweet, and attentive. He was every bit as thoughtful and sensitive as he was cocky and self-assured. A fact that Dan was very much enjoying.

By ten o'clock the large group had tapered off to half a dozen or so. Dan was sat outside with the other smokers, including Kate and Kyle. The early summer evening was only just getting dark, the bright colours fading to a deep, hazy purple. The air around them was still warm, and Dan found himself waiting, wishing for the slight breeze that blew through Kyle's hair.

"Right boys," Kate stood decisively, Dan looked up at her a little lazily and held onto her hand, "I'm off," she continued.

"No stay! Please?" Dan whined.

"I have to be at the station early in the morning," she said pouting and trying to unwrap herself from his grip.

Dan knew his efforts were futile. Trying to get Kate to stay out was an impossible task these days. Dan should probably head home too, he thought. He didn't really know anyone after all and he didn't want to impose on their celebrations. It would probably be too awkward if he stayed.

"Look after this one for me Kyle, OK?" Kate said giving Dan a small hug. But Dan stood too and started to collect his things.

"You're not leaving," Kyle said taking hold of Dan's wrist from across the table.

"Er, well, I don't really know anyone, so-"

"You know me. Am I not good enough company?"

The current bar he found himself in, their fourth of the evening, (or was it their fifth? Dan was losing track) was loud, dark and he didn't recognise it at all. The interior was all black mirrored-chrome and purple strobe lighting. It wouldn't be out of place in some tacky beach resort like Magaluf or Zanti, Dan thought with a cringe of distaste.

The basic plan had been to hit a few more bars before heading to a shitty free-entry club. Although how many of them would make it to a club was debatable. Dan included himself in that. He sat quietly, waiting for Kyle to return with their drinks, attempting to join in the conversations going on around him and not act too drunk.

His head was spinning wildly and he was struggling to get a grasp of his surroundings. But he was happy, and contented and very much enjoying himself. When Kyle eventually returned he slid down into the booth next to Dan, and handed out the bottles of beer to the rest of the table.

"Dirt cheap in here!" Kyle shouted over the pumping bass line at Dan and smiled.  
"What?" Dan shouted back, not hearing a word.  
Kyle shook his head and leant back into his seat, sipping his beer.

Normally Dan was unsure of himself and awkward, especially when it came to flirtation or seduction. But there was something about Kyle that made him brave. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't really know Kyle, or maybe it was because he couldn't decide if he really fancied him or not. Or maybe it was because, actually, Dan fancied him quite a lot actually, and weirdly, he had a feeling Kyle quite fancied him too. Conversation flowed easily and Kyle seemed to bring out a natural charm in Dan he never knew he had.

At some point earlier in the evening, Dan had started to suspect that Kyle was flirting with him. And he was shamelessly returning the affections with small touches and glances and statements laced with insinuation. It was freeing to say such openly dirty things, and gave Dan a thrill every time he made Kyle blush. Him, _Dan_! Made _Kyle Simmons_ blush!

He liked this game, he liked this brave new Dan. So as if in an attempt to one-up himself he slipped a hand up the back of Kyle's shirt and traced small patterns on the hot skin he found there. He felt Kyle stiffen slightly at the touch and then relax into it.

Dan felt Kyle's eyes boring into him, but he carried on looking towards the group, pretending be absorbed in their conversation about FIFA victories and loser forfeits.  

Not to be outdone, Kyle leant over Dan to grab another beer and Dan felt a hand on his his knee. He looked up to Kyle and they both smirked at each other. Something dangerous flashed in Kyle's eyes, and Dan knew they reflected his own. Dan licked his lips and his breath hitched as Kyle's hand ghosted higher and higher up his thigh.

Dan made it his mission then to get Kyle in a taxi as soon as humanly possible, so when someone announced they were leaving and the rest of the group begrudgingly agreed, Dan couldn't believe his damn luck.

Strangely half way home Kyle's two friends decided they wanted food and jumped out of the taxi - later Dan found out this wasn't so weird at all, something to do with Dan's subtle advances in the back of the cab, not being quite as subtle as he once thought. Either way, as soon as they were alone Dan didn't waste any time before slipping his hands into Kyle's hair and claiming his lips. Dan took Kyle's lower lip between his teeth, eliciting a downright filthy moan from him.

"Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?" Kyle joked before opening the front door.

Dan cringed against the brightness of the overhead lighting, and sat alone in the living room whilst Kyle actually made him a cup of tea (weird) and toast ( _so_ weird), Dan was starting to feel nervous, and began doubting himself.

They talked for a bit, mostly Dan listened to Kyle and tried to stop himself from slurring when he spoke. Kyle insisted he eat the toast, it was fancy brown bread with seeds in it. But honestly, Dan was too drunk to eat it and ended up just sort of ripping it apart.

Dan briefly pondered whether he should go through with it or not. He had never had a one night stand before. Well, Charlie, but that didn't count because they are like, best friends. Plus it happened all the time so it doubly doesn't count.

Dan was thinking too much. He knew this. He should just go for it. Stop thinking, and just kiss him. He watched Kyle's mouth move as he spoke, remembered how good it felt in the taxi, hidden in the dark with the street lamps shining patterns across their faces.

He spent so long thinking about kissing him and wishing he could kiss him, he almost didn't realise he _was_ kissing him. That was until Kyle was kissing him back. Dan started to rub the front of Kyle's jeans and Kyle moaned into Dan's mouth and leant back into the arms of the sofa. Dan moved so he was straddling him and began to grind his hips down. Kyle grabbed a fistful of Dan's hair, and Dan bites hard down on Kyle's lip.

"God, I love it when you do that," Kyle whispered, breaking the kiss.

Both of them looked at each other, breathing hard, Dan's hand still awkwardly between them.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kyle asked.

Dan nods in response. But Kyle asked him again, and again. It was quite annoying, if Dan was honest.

"I think I should walk you home," Kyle said eventually, removing Dan from his lap.

A few minutes later, they were at the top of Dan's street. Kyle had given him a hoodie, even though it wasn't cold and Dan was fine in his chequered shirt, thank you very much. His embarrassment of Kyle kicking him out was only briefly quelled when Kyle kissed him goodnight.

*

"Fuck," Dan whispered, looking at the work rota for the day.

Kyle's name practically jumped off the page and smacked him in the face. It was the first time he was going to see Kyle after the whole, "rejection incident". He anxiously wrung his hands waiting for Kyle to start his shift.

Charlie rolled his eyes at him, but Dan ignored it. Charlie was in a bad mood for some reason and properly snapped Dan's head off when he tried to talk to him about it.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!" Dan teased.

Only to receive a sullen, "Oh, fuck off, Dan," in return.

The first hour or so of Kyle's shift was, awkward, to say the least. Dan didn't know whether to acknowledge what had happened between them, or ignore it completely. He was so embarrassed. Embarrassed, nervous, and a little bit... excited? He wanted to see Kyle again, he couldn't deny it. He felt oddly disappointed in himself that he'd ruined his budding friendship with Kyle already. He'd had such a good time and wanted to see him again, like out in a social way and not just at work. 

Try as Dan might to play it cool, he just had to admit to himself that he wasn't cool. This was made ever clearer when Kyle 'accidentally' followed him into the store room and Dan lost all control of his limbs.

Kyle bent down to help him pick up the 10,000 straws that were now spilled across the floor. He was so close, in such a confined space that Dan could smell his aftershave. Suddenly he was overcome by the strongest sense memory and practically screamed at him, demanding an explanation as to why he kicked Dan out.

"I didn't make you leave!" Kyle laughed, "You were so drunk. I... you know, didn't want to take advantage," Kyle added quietly, looking a little shy and Dan thought that might be the hottest damn things he'd ever seen. 

Kyle stood and held out his hand and pulled Dan to his feet. Even Dan, the ever pessimist could see Kyle's smile was warm and genuine and in no way making fun of him.

"I wasn't that drunk," Dan relaxed instantly into the conversation, even managing to cock his hip and smirk at him playfully.

"You got toast all over my living room," Kyle countered, his voice lower and took a step forward.

"So, it's not that you just didn't want to... with me..?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I want to."

Without saying another word, or breaking the eye contact that held them, Kyle reached into Dan's pocket and held his phone out to him.

"Feel free to steal my number from the staff contacts sheet... If you haven't already."

 

*


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> I got it out a little quicker than expected so please please let me know if you loved it, hated it, want me to stop writing and save yourselves the torture. Haha.  
> OK, I'll shut up!  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Enjoy :)

// Chapter 2 //

// I was Cracked I was Hollow //

_ Happy Birthday, Danny _ _   
_ _ Do you remember last year? I kissed your cheeks, you told me secrets, and I lied... _

14th July, that means it’s almost six months since Kyle last saw Dan. The day had snuck up on him. He’d done so well not thinking about Dan that the day almost passed him by completely. It wasn’t until he caught the TV news report about some French holiday that he even processed what day it was.

A lot can change in a year. Last year he and Dan had spent the day together with all their friends, getting drunk in the park and enjoying the summer sun. Dan never did well in the heat, another irony on the long list that made up his life. Someone born in the peak of summer, almost guaranteed to get good weather on their birthday and it always left Dan tired, cranky and pink around the edges.

This year though it was pouring down with rain, unseasonably cold and Kyle hadn’t seen Dan in months.

Despite everything, Kyle found himself smiling. Because rain today meant that wherever Dan was, he was probably smiling too. Would he be thinking of Kyle today? Did he think of Kyle any day?

It took Kyle a long time to stop thinking about Dan. In a fury of self healing, the minute after their final fight, the moment he watched Dan walk out of his life for the last time, Kyle had got rid of every trace of Dan. Photos, clothes, text messages, Facebook, Instagram, everything. Everything that he could possibly get his hands on was deleted or thrown into the large skip behind his flat. All in the attempt of putting the last five years behind him.

And it worked. At first it wasn't that easy of course. They still had mutual friends and due to the not-so-open nature of their relationship, it was hard to explain to people why they suddenly weren’t talking. After all, their lives had become pretty entwined over the years. But eventually life goes on, people drift apart, and days without thinking about Dan turned to weeks, then months. But today was Dan’s birthday. And now all Kyle could think about was his last birthday, and the ones before that.

But the problem with memories is, once you start thinking about the good ones, the bad ones follow. You have to lock all the memories away, every single one, because all of them are bad in the end, it all hurts. The times when you were happy and it was perfect, the times when you argued and said things just to hurt each other, times when Kyle left and when he came back Dan was still there. But he was older, colder, and someone else's.

*

_ Merry Christmas, Danny. _ _   
_ _ I bought you a gift. _ _   
_ _ I didn't even think before I bought it. I saw it and it reminded me of that time we got the bus to the beach. Do you remember that, Dan? _ _   
_ __ I would love to give it to you. But I understand that's not possible.

_ No _ . Kyle heaved a great sigh, deleted the email and threw his phone to the side. His mind was swimming with memories. Why was he doing this to himself again?

Kyle remembered that cold, blustery December day, it was back when he and Dan still lived in a house share together. They'd skipped work and went to the beach. Whether Dan remembered that day or not he'd probably never know.

Everything was closed and it looked like a ghost town, not even the Christmas lights were on. They skimmed rocks in the eerily still water, shared a portion of chips and threw the leftovers for the seagulls to fight over. They walked for miles to find an open shop so Dan could buy some cigs. By the time the found anywhere it was dark and the bitter cold had gotten into Kyle's bones. They had started to snip and snipe at each other. But when Dan burst out of the shop door, a bright green children's bobble hat covering his dark hair - complete with googly eyes and long arms and legs like a frog - and a matching electric blue one for Kyle, he couldn't help but laugh and smile like a madman.

Dan pulled the hat down over Kyle's forehead, took his frozen cheeks in his gloved hands and kissed a small, sweet kiss into his lips.

"Better, love?" he whispered.

Kyle remembered that day in December at the beach. He also remembered the next day when Dan packed a bag to spend the holidays with his parents, and his boyfriend, who was not Kyle.

*

_ Congratulations Danny, _ _   
_ _ I saw Will yesterday, he told me you’re married now. I hope you’re happy, truly I do. _

Kyle surprised himself with how well he took the news, he smiled, asked Will to pass on his congratulations and carried on with his day. It was times like this that Kyle thought that maybe he was ready to see Dan again - ready to put everything behind him and start up that friendship they'd always been aiming towards, but never found. It had taken some time but he was no longer consumed by the thoughts of Dan, what he was doing, where he was, if he was OK.

But then something tiny and insignificant would happen and all his hard work and not caring comes tumbling down. You see, you can think you're over someone. But something will happen and all the pain and hurt and badness that you thought was gone, just comes right back. Birthdays, Christmas, bank holidays, 80's movies, fireworks, bobble hats, rain storms...

It all comes back and you realise that maybe you will never be over it. And maybe time heals , but she doesn't forgive . And yes you were both young, and maybe you're both different now, but you can't ever take the risk of seeing him because you cannot, and will never be able to, trust yourself around him.

Because despite logic and reason. Two things are still true. And will always be true:

You would give everything to see him again.

You would give everything to never, ever, see him again.

*

_ Dan. _ _   
_ _ It’s my birthday. _ _   
_ __ Which means it’s a year since I last saw you. A year since you spent Valentine’s day with your boyfriend, and not me. I know I said it was fine, that I didn’t mind. But did you have to spend my birthday with him too?

A year without Dan. A year of no contact. Not even today. Maybe Dan didn’t know. Or maybe he just didn’t care. 

Kyle knew better than to expect anything, after all, it’s not like he’d reached out either. But he was drunk and so _fucking lonely_. And dammit he wasn’t asking for the moon he just wanted a fucking ‘Happy Birthday’. But nothing came, not even a text. And Kyle was the fool drunk and alone on his birthday. 

Kyle knocked back another drink. Alone in his flat. Thinking. Thinking is dangerous. But he’s a little drunk and very sad and very newly single. Again. This year had been a rollercoaster he’d gone from shit to OK to numb back to shit. And back again. Rinse. Repeat.

Dan was married and off god knows where. Kyle had had a string of boyfriends but nothing ever lasted. Apparently he was too closed off, no fucking shit! The worst part was that people had started to get bored of him. Will even said he thought Kyle wanted to feel like shit, that he liked being miserable and didn’t want to get better. What a dick! Of course Kyle wanted to feel fine, he wanted to get over Dan, he wanted to find someone who actually wanted to be with him. Rather than living off scraps like he was with Dan.

When Kyle looked back over those five years he with Dan - all the false starts, all the nearlys and almosts, the screaming, the crying - he couldn't help but think that it could all be summed up by that last night with Dan. That was, coincidentally, their first, and last time being together.

It was clumsy and awkward. Kyle had been so nervous, but Dan squeezed his hand and reassured him that everything was OK, in between his non-stop chatter that is.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I'm talking too much. Am I talking too much? I am, I'm sorry," Dan was also a little drunk.

"Dan, baby. Do you really want to do this?" Kyle asked, stroking a hand through Dan's short, gelled hair.

"I do," Dan breathed, and kissed him deeply.

But in typical  _ them  _ fashion, as soon as it was over and Dan had immediately got up and got dressed.

Kyle's stomach sank.

"You're going back to him, aren't you?" he'd screamed.

Dan cried, and Kyle shouted more. He didn't remember what the last thing he said to Dan was, but it was something along the lines of, "Absolutely fuck off and never talk to me again," there may have even been a, "you slut" thrown in as well for good measure. Not his finest hour, he admits.

That night, like all their nights had started so well, it had the potential to be amazing, in fact. When Kyle had suggested going back to his flat, Dan surprised them both by saying yes.

All that time Dan had spent running away; running from Kyle and his feelings, as well as his own were a thing of the past. Finally, finally Kyle was going to be able to have him for his own. After all those five long years, Dan had finally chosen him. He was Dan's, and Dan was his.

Kyle was a little nervous seeing Dan that night, it had been a few weeks since they'd last seen each other. Both of them needed some space after their previous conversation. Emotions had run high and both had said things they regretted. It ended with Dan slamming his bedroom door, and not resurfacing. Kyle moved out of their house share that week and they'd not seen each other since.

Shockingly, it was Dan who had text first, it was normally Kyle that said the first 'I'm sorry'. Once upon a time he would have read this as a sign that Dan did love him, and he did care and he could change.  But Kyle was far too old and cynical for that sort of behaviour now. But he couldn't deny the way his heart leaped when he saw the text, confirming how much Kyle had missed him, even after he had promised himself that that was the last time and he would never crawl back into Dan's cold arms.

It was hammering down with rain. The short run across the road from the tube to the bar and Kyle was soaked to the bone. They met in their usual place, far away from anyone that might recognise them. Kyle kicked himself for agreeing to it. But bad habits die hard, and Dan was his worst bad habit.

They drank and talked, their heads bowed low towards each other, just like old times. Just like their last fight hadn't happened. Just like the last five years of fighting hadn't happened. A couple of times Kyle thought Dan was going to kiss him, but he never did. Simply looked into his deep brown eyes and Kyle back into those baby blues.

"I broke up with him," Dan said quietly.

"What?" Kyle had heard this all before, and he wanted so desperately for it to be true this time.

"For good this time."

It wasn't long after that statement that they found themselves back at Kyle's newly acquired flat. It was beautiful, if a little small. When he'd said the name of the building to the taxi driver Dan had asked if he had a view of the river. But alas, only a rather underwhelming view of a public car park.

Dan put his hand on Kyle's knee, looking a lot less brave than he did in the bar. The short journey had sobered them both up enough that Kyle was now hyper-aware of what they were doing. All he wanted to do was stop everything, grab Dan and kiss him. But something was holding him back.

What was he waiting for? All he'd done was wait. Waited for Dan to break up with his boyfriend, waited for Dan to choose him. And now, waiting for Dan to pull away, to embarrass them both, again, and run. Again. Like he always did.

Despite himself, Kyle couldn't stop smiling at Dan, couldn't help the bubble of hope that this was actually going to happen. That this was their happy ever after.

Dan laughed a little, his nerves showing through. That dark, lustful look he'd had at the bar, after whispering his intentions into Kyle's ear, was long gone. Replaced instead with a nervous smile and an anxious, somewhat jittery demeanour. Kyle returned the smile, highly amused by Dan's failing seductress routine.

What Kyle should have done was march them both to the bedroom. He definitely should not have sat down in the living room, he should have sauntered, confidently straight into the the bedroom. Dan would have followed him and they would be in the throes of passion right now. Not sitting awkwardly on the sofa with Dan's hand placed very deliberately on Kyle's knee.

"Hey," Kyle said, and suddenly the silence they'd been sitting in was deafening.

"Fuck it," Dan said and getting up abruptly he stood in front of Kyle before dropping into his lap, straddling him, cradling Kyle's face in his hands, "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

"Did you just quote Top Gun?"

"I did," Dan smirked, and bent down to press his lips to Kyle's.

It was different this time, gone was the drunken, hungry fervour that he had become accustomed to. This time Dan kissed him softly, caressed his hair, his neck. He ran his hands lovingly across Kyle's shoulders and arms and hands. He took the time to kiss every part of Kyle, no sucking and biting and grabbing. When he took Kyle's lip between his teeth it was gently and he let it go with a loud smacking sound. They both laughed and Kyle pulled Dan back to him and kissed soft, sweet kisses into Dan's laughter lines at the corners of his eyes, and every freckle that scattered his cheeks.

It was everything he ever thought it would be.

Kyle sat on the bed, shivering slightly in anticipation, and nothing to do with the howling storm outside. Dan walked towards him, topless in the moonlight, jeans undone and belt jingling, hung low on his slim hips. The rain lashed against the windows, masking their panting, heaving breaths. This was an image Kyle had pictured many a time before, or something close to it. But dammit, this was better than he'd ever imagined.

There are only a few times in life where you know you are creating a memory that will last forever. That this moment, this feeling, this sound, this taste, you will carry it with you, holding it in your arms wherever you go. And Dan, writhing underneath him, moaning loving platitudes into Kyle's flushed skin and calling out his name, that was definitely one of them.

But like all good things, they come to an end. Kyle just didn't realise it would end quite so soon.

"Hi," Dan said and smiled down at Kyle. He was sat on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and oddly presentable, "I should-"

"Stop," Kyle leaned forward, gently taking Dan's chin and giving him a light kiss, "If you say you have to go," Kyle joked. But as soon as he said it, the words landed wrong, and something about the look on Dan's face made him stop, "Dan, I swear. If you leave now... I... I don't think I could handle it. Not again. Please, don't leave me again."

"Kyle, I have to go. It's getting late," Dan said gently, even attempting to smile.

But Kyle knew this routine all too well by now, "What do you mean? Who's waiting for you?"

Dan's silence told Kyle everything.

"I thought you'd broken up with him?" Kyle demanded, ignoring the flinch he elicited from Dan.

"I have! I mean, I will. It's complicated," Dan's voice came out hurried, he was flustered and scrambling to explain himself.

"It's been complicated for the past five years!" Kyle countered.

"He's cheating on me!" Dan suddenly blurted out.

"So what was this? Revenge?"

"No!"

"I feel sick," Kyle lay back heavily on the bed covering his face with his hands. If he were standing, his shaking knees would have given in, "You used me?"

"No, Kyle, stop. Of course not. Calm down."

But Kyle couldn't calm down. He continued to rant and rave, five years of pent up anxieties flowed out of him. Dan started off apologetic, but after a while of Kyle berating him, he soon found his voice. Kyle supposed there's only so much someone can hear their shortcomings being screamed at them before needing to scream yours back at you.

So that was how it ended. The both of them screaming things they'd both said before, a carbon copy of every other fight they'd ever had. But somehow, this time. They knew it was the final time.

Everything inside Kyle had shattered, every bit of love and respect he had for Dan was now ashes on the floor. His head kept going around and around, shouting the same things at him again and again. How could Dan do this? How could he be so cruel?

Dan cried, and begged and pleaded. But Kyle had turned to stone.

Dan pulled at Kyle's hands and clothes, "Please. Please, don't. Please," he begged.

Kyle was only vaguely aware of what they were even talking about anymore. Dan's words were barely audible over his gulps and tears. Kyle was standing bolt upright staring at the wall behind Dan, he could feel his muscles tensing from Dan's touch.

Looking up at him, Dan's eyes searched Kyle's face wildly, "Look at me", he put both hands on Kyle's face, attempting in vain to force their eyes to meet, "Look at me!" he was becoming frantic.

But Kyle saw in Dan's eyes that he was giving up, that he was starting to believe it was useless. He threw his arms around Kyle's neck and buried his head into his chest, quietly letting his sobs fade into the fabric of his shirt.

Dan’s heart was breaking in front of him. Tears stung Kyle’s eyes but he fought them back, he couldn’t go on like this. It wasn’t fair. Looking down at the top of Dan's head, he felt his chest heaving against him. He raised a hand and entangled it into a fistful of Dan's hair, drawing him closer. Kyle felt Dan's body mould to him and let the smell of him consume him like it had done so many times before. It was so good to feel him again; to finally have him in his arms. It clouded his senses and he briefly forgot why they were there. He ran his hands down Dan's back, took one deep breath and released him from his embrace. Taking a step back he looked at him.

Baffled, Dan stood there watching Kyle watch him. How small he looked, his cheeks flushed and tear stained. His eyes puffy, and nose red. Kyle felt guilty for loving him like this, how beautiful he looked to him, he had never seen him like this, so raw and so real. It made his whole body hurt to see him like this and to know he was the cause. But he made no attempt to comfort Dan again. He knew he could not touch him again, not any more.

The thought was unbearable.

"I’m sorry. This is wrong," Kyle's words cut through the air and Dan visibly recoiled. They were harsh, matter of fact. He was concealing all emotion, if there even were any to hide.

"I don’t care about him. I don’t!" Dan insisted. His voice was quiet but defiant. Determined, "I'll do anything, Kyle please. I said I'm breaking up with him and I am. Kyle listen to me, I am!"

Hearing the searing heartbreak in Dan's voice was more than Kyle could take. He needed him to leave. He needed Dan to just go before he lost his resolve. Breaking Dan's heart was the only way to save himself. Selfish, he knew. But he kept telling himself he was doing it for them both. He'd long since accepted they were bad for each other.

So this was it, their big finale.

"This doesn’t have to end. You are my best friend."

"Friend!" Kyle burst out; he'd built a wall to protect himself, to protect Dan. But Dan just kept hammering away and now they were breaking down, "Friends? We’re not friends," he spat, "We haven’t been friends for a long time."

Dan said goodbye quickly after that, and Kyle was grateful for that.

He needed to clear his head of Dan, of them. Kyle resolved that instant that it would stop being about Dan. From the day they met it was all about Dan for Kyle. He’d played at being in control, he'd tried to move away, build a career, be his own person.

But he'd always found his way back to Dan. He was his puppet – it was a dynamic they both relished in, for a while. Kyle hanging on Dan's every word, Dan holding all the cards, it's that's how they liked it. Always Dan cutting their meetings short, leaving, talking about his boyfriend to Kyle, making him watch them together, laughing and touching and just being together. All the while Kyle was hidden in the shadows waiting patiently for Dan, begging for scraps and being grateful for it. His stomach wrenched thinking about it.

Kyle watched as Dan crossed the car park below his bedroom window. His hood pulled low over his face, bracing against the elements. Kyle couldn't hear the wind and the rain outside. Only the last words they said to each other echoing in his ears.

"I'm sorry you couldn't forgive me for leaving."

"I'm sorry you couldn't love me like I needed."

*

_ Happy Birthday Danny, _ _   
_ _ Wherever you are, I hope you found peace. _

  
  



	3. Three

// Chapter 3 //

//  I Dream About That Casual Touch //

 

Summer crept up on them rather quickly, before they knew it Dan was packing for a summer at home and Kyle was packing for a summer of travelling, working and festivals. They were both leaving Leeds without ever making good on their promises to meet up, go out, or do whatever else they fancied doing. Apart from the few times they saw each other at work, that is, Dan's best shifts of his  _ life,  _ by the way. 

The couple of weeks after their nearly-sort-of hook up went by in a daze. The hot, sticky heat of the summer had started to get to people. There was a strange atmosphere that had rolled over the campus, swallowing it up. Exams were over and most people had gone home. The students left behind were drifting about aimlessly, as if walking through a dream. Everything was slow and easy and carefree, covering everything in a sort of sepia tone haze. Everything smelt like BBQ smoke and weed, laughter and the clinking of bottles sound-tracked the days. 

Dan spent most of his time that he wasn't working at the bar, drinking in the bar. The lack of customers meant the already work-shy task force were mostly left to their own devices. Their only patrons being their own friends. When they weren't serving and pretending to look busy, they gave up completely and invented games to keep themselves entertained. Dan used it as any excuse to see Kyle, to touch and laugh and play. 

He couldn't explain it, it's like they were drawn together. Every time they were around each other it was like no one else was in the room. 

"You are so into him," Charlie said one night after work. 

Dan and Charlie lived together with a handful of their friends. Their house was exactly as you'd expect from every other student house in Leeds. Damp, drafty, overpriced and filthy. Unless someone's parents were visiting, then there was a mad rush to make the place look even a little bit presentable. 

"Kyle?" Dan questioned needlessly. 

"Who else?" Charlie stated. 

"Nah, I was for a bit, but he's not interested," Dan said, slinging his arm around his best friend's shoulders, "Story of my life, Charlo!" 

"Sure," Charlie scoffed. 

Dan couldn't stop smiling. People were noticing how close him and Kyle were, and he liked that, he really did. Great romantic story lines ran through his head, they were going to be the next Romeo and Juliet, or Ross and Rachel, or Adam and Steve. He liked the idea that when they finally got together after some great epic love story, people would gather in great crowds and say to each other, "Finally!" and, "See, told you so!"

On Kyle's last shift before leaving for the summer, Dan was going to tell him, tell him he liked him and they should go on a date, or something less lame sounding. But he kept chickening out, what if Kyle said no? Could he handle that kind of rejection? Twice! 

He hoped Kyle liked him, he really did. He thought Kyle liked him, he practically told him so on a few occasions. But Dan wanted to play it a little coy. He'd thrown himself at Kyle once and got knocked back. What was the harm in letting Kyle do a little chasing this time? Dan just hoped he didn't take too long about it. 

Regrettably he let these thoughts play on his mind a little too much. During their shift, where they were usually so naturally tactile and flirtatious, Dan was now tense, strained and slightly distant. 

"Hey," Kyle said, coming up on Dan from behind and scaring the shit out of him. He leaped out of his skin and shoved Kyle hard in return. 

"Sorry," Kyle laughed, a low hum rumbling from his chest. 

He was standing so close, why was he standing so close? Dan's hands started to sweat. They were in the small store room used as a staff changing room. It was down the corridor far from the bar, far enough away so that no one could see them, or hear them. So why was Kyle practically whispering? 

"So, I'm leaving Leeds tomorrow," Kyle said, not looking at him. Instead he took Dan's shaking, sweaty hand and played with his fingertips. Dan didn't even think to pull away. 

"I know, sucks. We never got to..." Dan let the sentence trail off. Never got to what? He didn't know. Anything, he supposed. They never got to do anything, not even hang out or talk, not really.  

"Just, just text me. Yeah?" Kyle looked up then and smiled, it was hopeful. Dan nodded and Kyle let go of his hand, as if he'd suddenly just realised what he was doing and went back to work.

It wasn’t a proposal, but it was something. Right?

Two months on and Dan was preparing to see him again. In reality two months is no time at all. But it felt like much, much longer. All Dan could think about as he was unpacking his room was about seeing Kyle again. He'd missed him so much. Which was ridiculous, really, if he thought about it. They hardly knew each other, not really. 

But he was nervous too. They'd spent a lot of the summer texting, which was brilliant but also awful, because Dan was  _ much  _ funnier over text. That wasn't him being his usual self-deprecating self, it was just true. You can be braver, can't you, when it's not face to face? You can say things you wouldn't ever say in real life, be more open, spill some secrets, be a little flirtier, a little more risqué, a little more outgoing. 

That's how Dan had spent most of his summer, a constant back and forth between him and Kyle. Short, snappy, funny texts making fun of each other, sharing playful insults. But also telling each other about their day, long thought out prose talking about their friends, their families. Going easily from, "What are you watching on TV?" to, "What are you afraid of most in life?", "What do you want to achieve?", "What do you want to do with me?" it took up most of Dan's days to be honest. 

"All you do since you got back is sulk in your room," his mother despaired of him. 

"Mum!" Dan would huff and puff exasperatedly, "I have  _ work  _ to do. I'm about to start my last year!" 

They both knew that was not what he was doing all day. There were days he didn't even open a single book. 

"Leave him alone, mum. Danny's got a  _ boyfriend _ ," his sister said, dragging out the last word and fluttering her eyelashes at him. 

"Shut. Up.," Dan growled at her. 

"Who?" his mum looked around, aghast she'd been left out of the loop.

"No one," Dan said shooting a warning look at both women. 

"Charlie?" his dad piped up, not looking up from his paper. 

"Dad!"  _ Oh my God _ , now even his father was getting involved? Why did he live with such incorrigible gossips? 

"Oh, I do hope it's Charlie!" his mum cheered excitedly. 

"Argh!" Dan threw up his hands in frustration and stormed out of the room. His sister called after him saying they were only playing, but he ignored her. He silently plotted her death as he stamped up the stairs. Why were his family so  _ embarrassing _ ? 

He wasn't really angry at his sister, she was only teasing after all. But the fact of the matter was that he was mad at himself. Because if he was honest he wanted  _ Kyle  _ to be his boyfriend, desperately. But it just didn't seem like it was going to happen. 

For a while Dan had convinced himself that their constant flirting and teasing and talking was leading somewhere. He thought constantly about getting back to Leeds and picking up where they left off. He was excited about their first proper date and where he'd like to take Kyle, what they'd do. He thought about what people at work would say, their respective housemates. 

But on one of their marathon phone calls, only a week before they were both due back in Leeds, Kyle dropped a bomb. 

"I got it!" Kyle squealed excitedly down the phone. 

Kyle called him as he always did when he was on his way home from work. Unlike Dan's summer, which consisted of a whole lot of nothing, Kyle was somehow managing to juggle several summer jobs. 

Dan could hear the rustling of papers and the slamming of a door, as Kyle clumsily bumped into things as he ran through his house. Dan laughed and just imagined him, arms full of belongings trying to do too many things at once with his long, lanky limbs. 

"Got what?" 

"The programme! The er, the, the bloody internship! I can't believe this. D-Dan. Oh my god! Oh shit. I'm in. Oh fuck I never thought I'd actually be able- I did it!" Kyle stuttered over his words, he went from excited to terrified in no time at all. 

"Kyle, slow down. What internship?" 

"Festival Republic. All that work this summer, hauling my sorry arse around the country. Sleeping in muddy fields, setting up stages in the pissing rain. It's paid off! I'm going to be helping actually  _ run  _ festivals and organise gigs and  _ tours  _ and... Fuck, Dan. I'm going to mess this up, aren't I?" 

Dan was the worst person he knew. He wanted to be happy for Kyle, wanted nothing more than to celebrate this amazing opportunity that Kyle had worked so hard to get. But his voice betrayed him. Dan couldn't hide his disappointment when Kyle told him that it was a yearlong placement starting mid-September. Or the betrayal he felt when Dan asked (demanded) why Kyle had never told him. 

That's when Kyle went quiet and Dan's heart melted for him, "Because I never actually believed I'd get it. Still don't," he let out a small laugh, "Just waiting for them to realise their mistake. There must be another, better, Kyle Simmons opening a rejection letter right now."

"Shut up. There's only one Kyle Simmons. And he's pretty fucking special." 

Kyle let out a small, strangled noise, which for Dan's sanity and Kyle's pride they both ignored. It wasn’t their usual style, they made fun of each other, teased each other, flirted. Especially Dan, he didn’t think he’d ever said anything nice to Kyle and they both felt this shift. 

There was a tense, pregnant silence between them. The only sound Dan could hear was Kyle's breathing. He closed his eyes and imagined Kyle with him, could almost feel the breath on his neck. He heard Kyle move, heard his bed springs dip and Dan imagined him next to him on his bed, bodies sweaty as the humid London heat pressed down on them. He imagined reaching up and pushing Kyle's dark hair out of his eyes. Dan bit his lip, gripping a handful of the bed sheets under him. 

"Dan?" Kyle said, his voice low and husky. 

"Yeah?" 

"...Are you?”

"Yes." 

He didn't need to ask what Kyle was talking about. His hand dipped under the waistband of his joggers and found himself alert and waiting. He sucked in a breath, sinking back onto the bed. On the other end of the phone Dan heard muffled movements, the sound of a belt and then a choked, "Oh fuck, Danny." 

‘Danny’. Kyle was the only person that called Dan that. Apart from his sister, but it felt  _ very  _ different when the pet name rolled off Kyle's tongue. 

Kyle was much more vocal than Dan imagined (and he'd imagined it a lot). Dan had to practically bite down on his fist and bury his head in the pillow to stop from calling out. He tried to worry about someone hearing the glorious groans coming from his phone, but try as he might he couldn't bring himself to care. All he could think about was Kyle. Kyle's mouth, his hands on his chest, kisses on his neck, nails on his back, he thought about lips, and teeth, and tongues. 

"I wish you were here, I wish this was you," Kyle breathed heavily. 

Dan tried to respond but words failed him. Kyle was moaning and Dan was losing his rhythm and Kyle was choking on his name and Dan's hand gripped tighter and Kyle was swearing, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh God,  _ Danny _ ," and Dan came undone.

He managed to expertly catch it in his fist, gently nursing himself back down into a cognitive state. At first he thought that Kyle might have gone, there was no sound coming through the phone and Dan worried for a minute he'd made a terrible mistake. He was now hyper aware of himself; lying there on his childhood bed, his parents just downstairs, fist full of himself, still gripping his rapidly deflating penis. 

"I, um. Give me a second," Kyle said, his voice no longer the low, breathy pants of just moments ago, doing nothing to deter Dan's increasing nerves. 

Dan leaned off the bed and grabbed the damp towel he'd abandoned there this morning, grimacing as he wiped his hands and cleaned himself up. Kyle eventually came back to the phone and was very obviously a lot less embarrassed than Dan was. It's not that Dan was a prude, but phone sex wasn't something he had a lot of experience with. Kyle on the other hand seemed to have no qualms about what just happened. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Kyle said, making Dan’s tummy do flips, “Yeah, like every time I talk to you, or think about you,” he laughed before Dan got embarrassed and awkwardly changed the subject. 

Kyle, being the wonderful human he is, didn’t dwell on it and continued to chat away excitedly about his year ahead, about how nervous he was and about how he'd never been out of the UK, which Dan found unbelievable, "Well apart from, like, Magaluf so that doesn't count," Kyle insisted, "I want real culture!" 

"Yeah, because the inside of festivals are famously full of culture," Dan laughed away as they swapped stories about Kyle's family holidays in Cornwall and about when Dan visited his family in South Africa. 

"You're so posh," Kyle teased, "my bit of posh totty. What does that me me, your bit of rough?" 

"Oh my god, shut up!" Dan scolded, though he secretly loved the image. 

*

Dan had been back in Leeds for a couple of days when he got the text he’d been hoping for. He was lying on his bed in his sweaty uni bedroom indulging in his new favourite past time - looking through all of Kyle's old photo albums on Facebook. His current favourite was the holiday he'd gone on earlier in the year with his friends Adam and Tom. Typical lad-holiday photos. Sun, sea, sand, golden topless torsos, colourful drinks bigger than their heads and blurry shots of sleazy clubs with neon lights. 

_ Kyle: Hey mate, back in Leeds today. Fancy a pint?  _

Dan almost dropped his phone on his face when Kyle's name appeared on the screen. He momentarily worried he'd accidentally liked a photo and Kyle was texting to tell him to stop stalking him. He sighed a breath of relief and replied straight away. Dan did, indeed, fancy a pint. 

_ Dan: Thought Leeds had finally got rid of you? _

_ Kyle: And miss out on Fresher's Week? You wish.  _

_ Dan: Yeah, all those newly 18 yr olds aren't going to harass themselves  _

_ Kyle: #FuckAFresher _

_ Dan: You're disgusting  _

They arranged a time and place and Dan almost had time to get anxious about what to wear, what to say? They hadn't seen each other face to face in ages, what if it was awkward? Did Kyle think this was a date or not? Did  _ Dan  _ think it was a date or not? He had no idea. 

Upon entering the bar, however, any thoughts of romance were quickly dashed. With a rush of disappointment Dan looked around and immediately recognised almost everyone in the place. 

"You made it!" Kyle's voice boomed across the room and Dan spotted him as he manoeuvred his way through the crowded space with some difficulty. It wasn't clear whether it was due to the amount of people packed into the small space, or Kyle's quite clearly inebriated state. 

"Yeah," Dan said, slightly confused,  still scanning the faces around him.

"It's Tom's birthday, you know my friend Tom-"

"No," Dan said quickly. From his extensive studying of Kyle's online presence, he felt like he knew all of Kyle's friends  _ and _ extended family, and had to remind himself that they were near perfect strangers, "but continue."

"Well, it’s his birthday. That's it, does it need any more explanation than that?" Kyle laughed and shook Dan's shoulder playfully. Dan rolled his eyes. Kyle's hands traced down his arm, stealing the words from his mouth as he grasped Dan’s fingers lightly. 

"You made it," Kyle said again, softer this time. Their eyes locked and all the air in Dan's lungs abandoned him too. 

"I did," Dan eventually croaked out.  

 

It took less than an hour and 2 pints until the two fell heavily into the tiny bathroom and Kyle had Dan pressed up against the cubicle wall, "God, I've missed you so much," he breathed heavily. 

Dan's hands instinctively buried themselves in Kyle's hair. It was shorter, freshly cut, and his beard looked a little more filled in, but that could have been due to the most incredible tan that he was sporting. 

"Why? You don't even know me," Dan didn't know why they were whispering, but it added to the excitement, the electricity that was sparking around them. 

"You sure about that?" Kyle said, taking a step toward Dan so their bodies were practically flush together. Dan opened his mouth to argue but just then the bathroom room door opened and closed. The two men looked at each other laughing silently. 

"Wanna get out of here?" Kyle whispered, and Dan could only nod. 

They had to sneak out of the bar, as Dan rightly pointed out Kyle was ditching his best friend’s birthday party despicably early. 

"It's fine, don't worry about it," Kyle said all but shoving Dan into the taxi, "My place is empty." 

Dan was so awkward in the back of the car. He didn't know what to say that didn't sound stupid, he was suddenly hyper aware of his hands and didn’t know what to do with them. He was nervous, he knew that if Kyle started something, Dan wouldn't stop him. He wanted this, wanted this so badly. But he had no idea what Kyle wanted, or how far did Kyle expected to go. They'd never discussed this before, Dan didn't even know if Kyle was a top or not. Dan sent a silent prayer that he still had that condom in his wallet, even though he knew he didn't. 

"So," Kyle started to say but cut himself short. As he opened the front door a din of loud voices hit them like a brick. Dan started to panic, but Kyle didn't seem to care at all, simply took Dan's hand and waltzed into the living room to find it full of his house mates. 

"Shouldn't you dickheads be at the pub?" he reprimanded. 

"Just getting supplies," the guy Dan recognised as Adam said, stuffing a hip-flask into his back pocket. Kyle chuckled and confidently walked through the room and up the stairs. 

Adam wolf whistled them and Kyle flipped him off as he disappeared. Dan stifled a laugh, this was so typical of them.  _ No, stop it Dan, you don't know them, remember! _

"I thought you said we had the house to ourselves?" Dan whispered as they got to Kyle's room, only to get a shrug in return. 

"They'll be gone soon," Kyle said, sitting on the bed. 

Dan settled himself at Kyle's desk, pretending to sulk, if only to make Kyle grovel. Kyle was good at that.

Dan started to leaf through the assorted papers scattered in front of him, unsurprised at the organised mess he found there. 

"Come here," Kyle said.

"No, I'm annoyed at you," Dan huffed, folding his arms and turning his head away dramatically. 

"Come. Here.," Kyle said again. Words much sterner this time and emphasising every word, he looked severe, dangerous. 

Dan shivered, every part of him tingled, "Make me." 

Kyle's eyes narrowed and locked with Dan's. Slowly he inched towards him. Dan watched, watched Kyle's hair fall across his forehead, watched his muscles move underneath his shirt. Dan watched as Kyle's hands came around his waist and with one swift motion, faster than he could comprehend, he was lifted into the air and thrown heavily on the bed. 

Kyle grinned down at Dan, straddling his waist, hands pinning him to the bed. 

"I suppose you're pretty proud of yourself?" Dan asked rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. 

"Wouldn't you be? I have a gorgeous man between my thighs, helpless to my every whim," Kyle squeezed Dan with his legs, igniting another eye roll. 

"Oh, please," Dan said sounding bored, though he was anything but. 

"I'd be careful if I were you. You're pretty powerless right now," he sang, with the smuggest look on his face. 

"You're disgusting."

"So you keep saying," Kyle leaned down and peppered Dan's neck and chest with kisses, keeping his arms pinned above him, "and you're a damsel in distress." 

"I'm not a damsel."

"No, you're a princess. You're a princess and I'm a burn-out. Always fancied myself as a sexy Judd Nelson type."

Dan looked at him confused, he'd lost him. 

"Breakfast Club?" Kyle asked, with a chuckle like Dan had told a joke. 

Dan shrugged, or as best he could with Kyle holding his arms in place. 

"You've never seen Breakfast Club? Absolutely unacceptable. I thought you were supposed to be the film buff?" 

"You don't even know me." 

"Would you stop saying that?" he rolled off of Dan and laid down next to him. He looked annoyed but not angry. For the shortest moment they both lay in silence, Kyle looking lost in thought. He put his hand on Dan's chest, and watched it move slowly with Dan's breathing. Taking his time, he dragged his eyes up to Dan's, taking in every inch of his body as he did so, "Doesn't it feel like we know each other? Like,  _ really  _ know each other?"

Dan nodded. 

"I feel like I can tell you anything. And I hope you feel the same."

Dan did feel the same. And it sent a rush of electricity through his whole body to hear Kyle say it. 

"Right, Breakfast Club," Kyle said clearing his throat awkwardly. He jumped up and started the laptop up. 

It felt great, amazing even, lying in Kyle's arms as the film began. Dan watched as the light danced across Kyle's features. A small smirk playing at his lips. It was clear Kyle knew Dan was watching him but he didn't care. He couldn't look away if he wanted to, and he  _ really _ didn't want to. 

The night certainly hadn't gone the way Dan expected it. But by the time Anthony Michael Hall had read out his famous speech and Judd Nelson did his iconic fist bump - even Dan knew that was coming - he was hot, like boiling-over, heat hot. Dan had spent the entire film snuggled into Kyle - the human hot-water bottle. He pushed himself up off the bed and looked to Kyle, who was snoring soundly. He checked his phone and momentarily debated just sneaking out, but despite his better judgement he shut the laptop, pulled off his jeans and climbed back into bed. 

It was a miracle he got to sleep at all that night, he was smiling so wide that he thought his face would get stuck like that. It was his Kyle-smile. Whenever they talked, or he got a text, or he even thought about the boy it was enough to make him break out into the biggest grin. 

Watching Kyle sleep soundly, Dan put his hand on Kyle's chest, feeling the soft movements and not quite believing he was there.  

 

"I um, I know," Kyle said in the morning as Dan got dressed and gathered his few belongings.  _ Oh shit.  _

"Kyle-" 

"I know you have a boyfriend," Kyle cut Dan off, not that Dan knew what he was going to say anyway. 

"Um, yeah," Dan said awkwardly pulling at his sleeve. 

"I'm sorry but I... I have to ask. If I had tried anything last night, what would you have said?"

"I'd probably have said no," Dan lied. 

Dan left quickly after that. He pretended to call a taxi and left Kyle's house. It wasn’t that far to his house, and a summer of no work had left him feeling poor.

He felt guilty, but not about his boyfriend, not about sleeping in Kyle's bed and very, very nearly cheating. But about lying to Kyle. Was it even lying? Lying by omission maybe. What was wrong with him? Why was he like this? He looked at his phone and his stomach dropped at the sight of numerous missed calls. 

"Hey baby, enjoy your night with your friends?" the sleepy voice came through the handset, "I missed you, you on your way back?"

"I am, see you soon love," Dan answered, feeling relieved the conversation about his night was over. At least for now. 

"Love you, Smithy." 

"Love you too, Charlo." 

 

*

  
  



	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys! 
> 
> I'm so sorry this has taken so long. I'm fully aware that most people would have given up reading this, but here is the next offering for those lovelies that have stuck with me! 
> 
> This isn't beta'd and potentially a confusing format, so please let me know if there is anything you need clearing up, or if you just want to chat! 
> 
> Hope you like it, please like and comment (unless you hate it then I'm really sorry!) 
> 
> Anyway, I'll shut up now :)

 

// Chapter 4 //  

// Tell Me a Lie, Make it Easy For Me // 

 

 

"What ya reading?" Kyle asked, bounding into Dan's room. 

"New Scientist," Dan replied, lying on his bed without looking up from the magazine. 

"Why?" Kyle asked, his voice high and excitable, decidedly ignoring the ugly mood Dan was clearly in. 

"Because it's interesting," Dan dead-panned. He had a slight edge to his voice, and the tightness in his shoulders gave away the annoyance he wasn't bothering to hide.  

"Yeah?" Kyle questioned. He bent down and grabbed Dan by the ankles, dragging him across the bed towards him. 

"Ergh, Kyle!" Dan exclaimed, sounding more exasperated than he probably was, as he made no effort to stop Kyle. 

Kyle lifted Dan's legs and climbed in between them. He threw the magazine out of reach, ignoring the rolled eyes and the grumbling coming from the man currently underneath him. He placed his hands either side of Dan’s head or started to kiss and nip at his cheeks and jaw and neck. 

"Kyle what the fuck?" Dan whispered urgently, trying to push Kyle away in panic. It was useless however and Kyle's laugh rumbled low and deep in his chest. 

"Babe, it's OK. No one's in, it's just us," Kyle whispered against Dan's skin. 

"Dude, no!" Dan all but shouted, "I've got a boyfriend!" 

He successfully managed to de-tangle himself from Kyle this time, if only because Kyle was now paralysed with shock. He leaned back and let Dan crawl out from under him. He sat on Dan's bed, his mouth hanging open, looking at the space Dan had fled.  

"What the fuck?" Kyle said eventually, once he regained his voice. 

This was a joke, a sick joke. Dan was just trying to be funny.  

Except it didn't feel like a joke. 

Kyle looked to Dan, sitting in his desk chair, staring at his hands, not saying a word. To his credit, he at least had the common decency to look shame-faced. But that didn't make Kyle despise him any less in this moment.  

Without saying another word Kyle got up and walked across the hall to his own room.  

 

Kyle paced the length of his tiny bedroom for hours. Or maybe it was minutes, he had lost all concept of time. His mind was spinning, he felt sick. But what had he expected really, moving in with Dan?

Kyle had been there 6 months now. He'd been debating coming back to England permanently for a while, but this summer one horrible festival after another had cemented the idea for him. He missed his friends, his mum, but most of all, Dan. 

Before his return the pair had fallen into a nice routine, well, more like a stalemate. Dan sulked and resented Kyle every time he left. Kyle resented his resentment, regressing to childish tantrums and constantly reminding Dan that he had a boyfriend, so why did he care if Kyle was there or not. 

In a bid to exert his independence and prove to himself he didn't owe Dan anything, or to simply feel less lonely, Kyle would shag anything that moved. Then make sure he told Will and Sophie, in the hopes it got back to Dan. Dan would never mention it, instead texting Kyle about something inane, with some made up excuse. Just to make sure Kyle was thinking about him.  

But then Kyle would come home, for a day, or two, or three, and he and Dan would spend a few blissful hours together, and it was like none of that ugliness had ever happened. They'd laugh and whisper confessions of missing each other and being better this time. Dan would hold Kyle's hand and touch his cheek, sometimes he'd let Kyle kiss him. Then Kyle would leave and the whole thing started again. 

But that just wasn't enough anymore. 

Every time it was getting harder and harder to pick up where they left off, and even harder still to say goodbye. Kyle had spent the whole freezing, European summer pining for Dan. And not in the tormented, angry way he was used to. But in a hopeful, excited way that filled his stomach with butterflies and glitter.

So this time, Kyle decided, he wouldn't leave.

Living with Dan and his housemates had been... interesting. When Kyle returned to London from that last awful job he had of course called Dan, as was the norm. They'd gone out for drinks, they'd flirted, and drunkenly decided that Kyle should move in to Dan's house share. It had seemed perfect at the time - Dan lived in a nice enough house, in a nice enough area and Kyle already knew all his house mates. Although Kyle would be lying if he said spending more time with Dan wasn't a huge part of his decision making process. 

It was great, for a while. Kyle genuinely felt like they were building towards something. To say they were inseparable was an understatement. Kyle lost track of how many days they whiled away together. Lying on the living room floor, Dan reading to him from whatever book he was on that week; Kyle trying and failing to turn Dan into a gamer. 

He kept telling himself, all he had to do was be good and patient. Surely, Dan was eventually going to dump his long-term boyfriend and pick Kyle instead. It was going to be sunshine and rainbows and happy ever after. It was going to happen, Kyle had been  _so_ sure of it. 

 

Now though, Kyle felt like an idiot. Pacing his room, he felt panicky and frantic. This felt like rejection, like a break up. This felt definite. Dan had made a choice, and it wasn't Kyle. 

A small knock sounded and a perfectly styled quiff peeped around the bedroom door.

"I'm so sorry. I panicked, can you imagine if we got caught?" Dan smiled a small, cautious smile. 

He closed the door quietly behind him and slowly walked towards Kyle. Kyle quickly turned away, he couldn't look at Dan right now. But he didn't want him to leave either. He felt Dan's arms wrap around him and rest his chin on his shoulder. Kyle closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.  

He hated how easily he could feel himself forgiving Dan. But what was there really to forgive? He was right. He hadn't said anything that wasn't true. He  _did_ have a boyfriend. Kyle shouldn't have done it, he shouldn't have tried to push the delicate balance of their relationship. Kyle had Dan as a  _friend_ , as someone he could waste all his time with. 

They had an unspoken agreement, Kyle could occasionally touch Dan and hold him whilst they were cuddled up in the sofa on a lazy, hung-over Sunday. He could kiss him gently on the temple when they were sleepy and run his fingers through his hair. He could play with his fingers when they were watching TV and Dan would rub Kyle's neck after a particularly grueling shift. All the while they could pretend there was nothing more going on.  

Kyle had Dan in the night, when the lights were low and the music was loud and they were surrounded by smoke and shadows. They'd drag each other to some secluded corner and kiss and laugh and whisper. Their hands would wander, needy fingers gripping at each other, twisting into clothes and hair. As long as the belts stayed on and they pretended to be drunk and pretended they wouldn't remember in the morning, everything was fine and stayed exactly how it was. Like it had always been. 

And all so Dan could pretend he wasn't cheating on his boyfriend right in front of his fucking eyes. 

 

Dan delicately turned Kyle around so they were facing each other. Kyle never got used to how gentle Dan was with him, the way he held him like he would break, or disappear.  

Then he did something that turned Kyle's theory about boundaries and balances and secret pacts, on its head. Dan slipped one hand under Kyle's t-shirt and the other up to his cheek. After the smallest beat he pulled Kyle towards him and pressed their lips together. Kyle's body immediately responded, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around Dan, holding their bodies together. 

Dan moaned into Kyle and it was damn near the hottest thing he'd ever heard. This was everything he'd always wanted. Dan coming to him, sober and wanting. This was huge, this changed everything. No longer could Dan pretend there wasn't anything going on between them. No longer could Dan blame his actions on alcohol, or deny it happened at all. Kyle lifted a shaking hand to Dan's hair, and grabbing a fistful he gently pulled his head to the side to give himself access to the soft, flushed skin he found there. 

"Don't give me a love-bite, OK?" Dan whispered. 

"What?" Kyle immediately separated himself from Dan, "Why not?" 

Dan didn't need to answer that. Kyle knew why, didn't he? Because of Charlie. 

_You fucking idiot, Simmons._  This wasn't Dan choosing Kyle. This wasn't him coming to Kyle and finally giving him what he wanted, giving himself to him fully. This wasn't Dan finally accepting the game they'd been playing was bullshit. This was Dan breaking off another scrap to throw him.  

Kyle's first reaction to the realisation that Dan didn't love him wasn't defeat, it wasn't acceptance. It was complete and utter denial. He wanted to laugh straight in Dan's face. Because this was ridiculous, wasn't it? Dan didn't really mean this. Dan wasn't really pushing Kyle away after nearly five years of chasing and near misses. Dan hadn't just suddenly chosen Charlie, after everything they'd been through. This wasn't how Dan was breaking his heart, with his hands in Kyle's shirt and his  _fucking_ tongue in his mouth. 

Yet, it was happening. Despite all Dan's protests that he and Charlie weren't working and hadn't been right for a long time. All those drunken conversations about how he was so unhappy and so lost and trapped. Well, that just wasn't true was it? None of it was. It was more lies and more manipulation. 

Dan was lying to Kyle, and lying to himself to make himself feel better. Dan wanted Charlie and all his unconditional affection and stability. Charlie who was always there and not always disappearing, like Kyle. Because after all, Kyle was just a bit of fun, he wasn't serious about anything. And no one could be serious about him. No one could actually ever want him properly. Kyle was just a fling. 

 

"Are you still fucking him?" Kyle said, leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest. His fingers were cutting deep grooves into his skin, face stone and his eyes focused on the floor. He hated himself for asking, but he really did. For the last 6 months he'd been lead to believe Dan was his boyfriend, so the idea of Dan still being with Charlie like that, then coming straight next door into Kyle's bed made his physically sick. 

He was angry. He could feel it in every pour. That out of control, shaking, over-flowing kind of anger. The kind that doesn't make you want to scream or cry or hit out. But that paralysing, desperate anger kind of anger that consumes you until there is nothing left. He'd had moments of doubt before, of course, but he always made sure Dan never saw it. Too scared to rock the boat. But now, now he wanted to let it all out. 

"Well? Are you?" Kyle demanded, the question was harder this time, "Are you fucking him?" Kyle was looking straight at Dan now, "Say it. I want you to fucking say it!" 

Dan stood in the middle of the room, looking so small, so lost. 

"Well?" 

Dan looked up at Kyle, fighting the tears Kyle could see threatening to spill. 

"That’s ... that's not fair. He's…" Dan faltered, dropping his head and worrying the hem of his t-shirt. 

"What?" Kyle spat. He knew what Dan was going to say, not that it was going to make it any easier. But he needed to hear him say it, "He's what, Dan?" 

"He’s my boyfriend." 

"Oh god," it was like a bullet to the chest. He dropped to the floor, all that self-righteous rage disappeared and he was all at once terrified, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Dan had strung him along for so long, but now it was ending and Kyle couldn't handle it. Everything he had feared about this pseudo-relationship was all true. Dan didn't love him. Kyle was just a puppet on a string. A toy to fill the day. Kyle didn't care about looking weak or pathetic. He let the tears fall freely, because why bother hiding it now? He might as well let it all out because he and Dan were over, so there was no reason to keep it all bottled up anymore. 

 

"I have to leave, I can't stay here anymore," Kyle said, gathering himself off the floor.  

"Why did you even come back?" Dan demanded loudly, "You've ruined everything!"  

Dan's shouts took Kyle by surprise. This wasn't his usual style. Kyle shouted, Kyle ranted and raved and threw things. Dan hated Kyle's hysterics. Dan spoke quietly, coldly, dropping what Kyle called 'word bombs'. 

Word bombs are things you say in an argument that sound like offhand comments, but are actually carefully calculated grenades. Some of them hit you instantly, designed to shock and topple you off your high horse. They can stop you in your tracks, steal the air from your lungs and the heat from your blood. But some you don't think about at the time. Then hours, days, sometimes weeks later, at your lowest moment, they explode in your head; tearing you apart, ripping you to shreds. Any kind of security or happiness you had shrinks into nothing, a black hole that sucks up everything in its wake.  

An example of a word bomb? That's tough, there'd been so many. How about Dan's birthday last year, Kyle arrived happy and bearing a gift - an old copy of Adrian Mole, a book Dan had devoured as a kid but lost his copy of years ago. Dan looked at him, confused and said, "Oh, you are here?" 

Kyle laughed it off at first because, why wouldn't he be there? But after a few hours of watching Dan laugh and joke with his friends, talking to his friends, drinking with  _his_ friends. And not Kyle. Kyle started to think. Why would Dan be surprised Kyle was there? Had Kyle been that shit to him that Dan would assume Kyle wouldn't come to his fucking birthday? What had he done to make Dan think so little of him that he would extend Kyle an invite that Kyle wouldn't even bother to decline?

Yeah, that was a particularly shit one. Or a more straight forward example; the time they were making out in the garden and Kyle pulled back, taking in the glorious sight that was Dan in the moonlight. He'd tried to tell him as much. Tried to tell him he was gorgeous and that he'd missed him so much, how he wished he could have him in his arms always.  

"Oh here we go," Dan scoffed.  

"What?" Kyle said, completely taken a back.  

"God, you just can't help yourself can you?" Dan mumbled as he stood up from Kyle's lap and sulked back inside, shutting the door behind him. Leaving Kyle to wonder how he'd managed to fuck up even this perfect moment.  

 

But Dan wasn't dropping word bombs now, no, he was shouting, "You think just because you're back -  _for now_  - things are different!?"  

"I came back for you! I came back for us!" Kyle stuttered.  

"I never asked you to. I was building a life. I had Charlie, I was happy, I -"  

"Happy?" Kyle scoffed, "You don't know how to be happy. When you had Charlie you wanted me. But now for weeks I've been telling you,  _begging_ you, you've got me, have me, choose me! So what's the problem?" 

"You! You're the problem! I can't 'choose you' because you're not a choice, Kyle!" Dan screamed. 

A silence pooled into the room, Kyle tried to gather himself and Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When Kyle looked up at Dan he had relaxed in an instant, Kyle's blood run cold. 

 "Charlie," Dan said, his voice quiet and calm, "Charlie is a choice. What are you?" 

_Word bomb._

"I thought you wanted me? I thought, I thought..."  

"You're like a tornado, Kyle. You swoop in, wreck my life and then you leave."  

"That's not fair," Kyle's body was rigid, he wanted to cover his ears and shout to stop hearing this. 

"If I leave Charlie, you and me... we will be happy. But for, what? A few weeks?" 

This is the part of the argument Kyle hated the most. Dan was spiralling, saying things he didn't mean; building a wall between them. He talked his way into hating Kyle again, because it was so much easier to hate him than love him. Or even like him most days it seemed. 

"Then you'll remember you don't do relationships-"

"Stop it." 

"And then you'll leave-"

"That's not true!" 

"And I'll end up the broken-hearted one-" 

"Ha!" Kyle scoffed, he'd heard enough lies, “You can't be broken-hearted if you don't have a heart to break."  

Dan spun around, pulling at his hair in frustration, "God, how can you even say that? You don’t even know me!”  

“That," Kyle pointed at Dan, "Why do you do that? Why are you always trying to downplay us?” 

"There is no  _us_!" 

"You're deluded." 

"You know nothing about me!"  

"I know everything about you!" 

"You know what I tell you," Dan looked straight at Kyle, that casually cruel smile he wore when he was about to end a fight, Kyle braced himself. 

"Plus," Dan shrugged, "I’m a liar right? Isn’t that what you always say?”  _Word bomb,_  “I tell you whatever you want to hear. This is a game, Kyle, that's all," Dan turned to leave. He walked to the bedroom door, but hesitated, his hand on the handle.  

"I'm leaving," Kyle called out to him. 

Dan nodded, not turning to him, "I know. What else is new?"  

"I just can't do this anymore. It hurts too much - loving you and watching you walk away from me, to someone else, again and again." 

"You love me?" Dan turned back then. The look of shock on his face hit Kyle like a ton of bricks. 

"Of course I do," Kyle almost laughed. Almost. 

"I don't believe you."  

"I don't care."  

Kyle slowly walked to Dan, not taking his eyes off him. Dan was smiling sweet and shy and Kyle just loved him  _so_ much. 

"I... I love you too," Dan stuttered, his perfect blue eyes lit up like fireworks. 

Kyle stopped dead in his tracks. How could this be the first time they were saying this to each other? How could Dan be telling him the one thing he'd always wanted to hear, and yet it didn't change anything. Dan was still staying and Kyle was still leaving. 

"Don't you fucking dare," Kyle spat, so quietly Dan may not have even heard. 

"Kyle?" Dan asked his eyebrows pulled together and his eyes flicked round Kyle's face in confusion. He stepped to Kyle, placing his hands on his chest. 

"Get the fuck away from me!" Kyle all but screamed, pushing him away, hard, making Dan jump back in shock. 

"Please don't do this, please don't make me leave, Kyle. I love you!" Dan pleaded, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. 

"Get out!" Kyle shouted again, pushing Dan out the door and slammed it shut. 

For a moment he stood in silence, the only sound his panting breaths. But then, all at once it hit him; all the anger, the sadness, the roaring, screaming, shaking desperation. Kyle collapsed against the door and cried until he lost his voice and his room had grown cold and dark around him. 

 

* 

 

It took less than a week for Kyle to find a new place to live. He had told himself that fight was the last one, that he and Dan were over. But he could already feel his resolve wavering, so for his sanity, he had to go. And his new flat looked awesome, right by the river with a great view of a carpark.  

Kyle and Dan hadn't talked following their fight, not out of spite or anything like that, their paths just didn't cross. That was the official line anyway, but Kyle was not so subtly avoiding Dan. He left the house every morning to go to his shitty temp job before Dan was up, and went to the pub after work with Will. Both stumbling back in the early hours of the morning, drunkenly fumbling their way to Kyle's bedroom.  

Adam and Tom helped him move. Neither of them said 'I told you so' and Kyle never loved them more for that. He said goodbye to Sophie and Charlie, Sophie sulked and told him he was an idiot for leaving. Charlie wasn't nearly as sad but wasn't jumping for joy either, like Kyle thought he would. He helped put Kyle's things in Adam's car, and even gave him an awkward little hug, which Kyle really appreciated.  

Dan held a well practiced, neutral expression, only revealing his inner fury when he snapped at Sophie.  

"Dan, aren't you going to say goodbye to Kyle?" she asked, dumbfounded that he would just sit there and not say anything to his best friend.

"Why?" Dan shot at her, "He leaves all the time. It's his best  _trick_."  

 

*

 

_Dear Danny,_

_It was my first night in my new flat yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night and for a moment I didn't know where I was. I reached for you, but you weren't there. Which is weird, isn't it? Because you were never there._

 

Kyle did not enjoy living alone. His friends told him how jealous they were that he could afford his own place. But he was never very good at being alone. There was just so much time between getting home from work and waiting for an acceptable time to go to bed. He'd make food, stick on a couple of episodes of whatever he was binge watching, maybe have a beer or two and pretend he wasn't really  _fucking_ sad. 

Will tried to be supportive, being the only one that knew about Kyle and Dan (even then he only suspected because Kyle would never confirm anything). Which kind of explained why over the years Will had ever asked Kyle out, properly. Kyle knew Will liked him, and he did feel guilty about it. He hoped Will didn't think he was using him, but it was just so complicated. Will seemed to be more than happy to be crutch to lean on. Often telling Kyle to stop sulking and and enjoying his new bachelor pad. But that was easier said than done.

 

*

 

_Dear Danny,_

_I_ _t's my birthday._

_I waited for your call, or a text, anything. But it never came... But you know that. I know we're not talking, but it's my fucking birthday._

_I got drunk after work and slept with Will. Again. I know, I know what you're going to say, "No back sliding."_

_I'm not trying to make you jealous. It's not your style, jealousy. I've long since known that to be jealous you'd actually have to care._

_I don't know why I'm typing all this out, it's not like I'd ever actually send it._

 

"Have you spoken to him since you moved?" Will asked, putting a mug of tea down in front of Kyle.  

Kyle's stomach lurched as he forced himself to drink, his hangover coming on fast and strong, "No, we're in a fight," he said, not needing to ask who 'he' was. 

"You're always in a fight," Will pointed out with an exaggerated eye-roll, "Are you  _going_ to speak to him?"

"No, I'm sick of always being the one to make the first move. If he wants to be my friend then he can but I'm not begging," Kyle said with a new found determination. 

"Yeah, sure," Will scoffed with a small laugh. But he patted Kyle's knee and gave him a supportive smile, "Do you actually miss him or are you just lonely?"

_Well shit, isn't that the million dollar question,_ Kyle thought. He had been asking himself the same thing daily. 

He'd been tempted to text Dan almost every night since he'd moved. It was weird feeling like he couldn't just pick up the phone and speak to him, or see him. For nearly five years Dan had been his only constant. Kyle kicked himself for how this was ending, because above all, no matter how he looked at it, he'd lost his best friend. 

But it also meant Dan was right. Dan had kept Kyle at arm’s length, always with the excuse that he didn't want to lose him as a friend. Kyle had always insisted that would never happen, Dan was just making excuses, and that he just needed to be brave. Because god-forbid Dan Smith would have  _real_ feelings. But now it looked like he was right. Which annoyed Kyle to no end. 

 

For all his wounded pride, and all his determination, exactly a week of floating around his empty flat, Kyle broke. Alone, as usual, after a horrible day at work, all his resolve to not talk to Dan and to not make the first move fell apart. 

He'd spent most of the day, when he wasn't fighting the urge to smack his boss, looking through photos of him and Dan. Re-reading whole text conversations from when Kyle was away, drowning in the nostalgia of it all. He just needed to know if Dan was OK. Although the darkest part of his brain hoped Dan was doing as badly as he was. He was on the 4th draft of a text when a message came through and Kyle nearly threw his phone across the room in shock. 

 

_Dan: I miss you. Please come home_

 

Kyle couldn't stop smiling, even as the tears pricked his eyes and his chest went tight. He stared at the text for what seemed like hours. Dan, his Danny making the first move. This was unprecedented. This was him saying sorry, this was him telling Kyle that he did care. This was his white flag. Kyle had to accept it, didn't he? He couldn't throw away nearly five years together, especially when Dan was coming to him, without pressure or persuasion. 

 

_Dan: I'm sorry. For everything. I'm just so fucking sorry_

_Kyle: Woahhhh Daniel Smith saying sorry. I'm going to screen shot this and frame it_

_Dan: Don't be a dick. Can I see you?_

 

Kyle was all but shaking. Last week Dan said 'I love you', and now he was saying 'sorry'. The butterflies in Kyle's stomach were threatening to burst out of his chest. It was taking all of his self-restraint to not run to Dan right now and hold him and never let go. 

_What about Charlie?_ That's what Kyle really needed to know. It was all well and good these grand, out-of-character gestures. But what Kyle really needed was to know that once and for all Dan was his and only his. He couldn't share anymore.  All week Kyle had told himself that this was it. That he and Dan were over. But now, looking at Dan's name on his screen he couldn't deny how unnaturally happy the boy made him. Above all logic and reason he loved Dan. And now he knew Dan loved him too. 

He needed to see him. Even if it was only to calmly and firmly tell him he had a choice. Him or Charlie.

A few more minutes passed as Kyle tried to compose himself when another message came through. 

 

_Dan: OK, point made... I know you don't want to talk to me, and I understand that. I do. I want to respect your space. But if it's OK I need to see you. I need to talk to you. I miss you so much. I'm going crazy without you Kyle. Please?_

_Kyle: OK. Where?_

 

_*_

 

 

 


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your support so far. Apologies again for the slow progress of this story. You are all super stars for sticking with me! 
> 
> Lots of love, I really hope you like this chapter :) 
> 
> x

_//Chapter 5//_

_//I was always out of line, but I thought you were right there with me//_

 

After Dan graduated he didn't move back home like Sophie, Kate and a lot of their friends did. Instead deciding to stay in Leeds, well, not so much decided but sort of just didn't leave. Charlie managed to get a job and a flat and Dan moved in with him. Just the two of them in a dingy, little basement under a fish and chip shop; damp and cold - even in the summer - and turned your shoes green if you left them in the wardrobe too long. Dan hated it.  

Apart from the bedroom, the bedroom was huge. It easily fit all of Charlie's guitars and keyboard and even though he hadn't played them in months, Dan still managed to regularly stub his toe on an amp or knock over a mic stand. All the while grumbling about the amount of dust gathered on everything. 

Amongst the clutter was a disgusting old armchair. Dan had found it in a charity shop whilst hunting for books and immediately fell in love. He dragged it all the way home, pushed it into the corner, covered it with blankets and pillows and spent all his free hours reading and sleeping and listening to music. It was his tiny sanctuary. It was the ugliest thing you've ever seen but it was Dan's and he loved it. 

That was something Dan hadn't thought about when he moved in with Charlie. They'd jumped, unthinking, like it wouldn't be any different. They'd lived together through Uni, what was the big deal? But, as it turns out, living with lots of people in a house-share, and living with just your boyfriend, is very different. 

Dan often felt trapped, and cramped, and smothered. He couldn't lock himself away anywhere, he had no privacy, no refuge. Everywhere he was, Charlie was. It was  _his_ flat after all. Even though Charlie insisted it was  _their_ flat. But it wasn't, not really. Everything was in Charlie's name, everything in it was Charlie's and Dan just couldn't shake the feeling that it didn't ever feel like  _home_. 

 

When Dan started Uni, it was with very little idea what he actually wanted to do with the rest of his life thereafter. It had taken the best part of his 3 year university career to finally decide he was going to put his English Lit degree to good use and become a journalist, or at least try. Unfortunately that meant working for free for the most part. And working for free is really expensive. 

He'd been graduated almost a year when he was finally so poor and so frustrated of going nowhere that he nearly threw the towel in. Numerous internships and unpaid jobs had left him less than broke. He was borrowing money from his parents just so he could pay to get the bus to his unpaid job. 

Dan still tried to work at the bar when he could, but the hours at the newspaper were brutal, and he had to cut his shifts pulling pints back to the bare bones. He hadn't paid rent in months which wasn't helping his discomfort and feeling of not belonging. Charlie said he didn't mind paying Dan's half of the bills, but he mentioned it a little too frequently for Dan to believe he was quite as happy as he let on. 

When Dan finally found a real, paid job that was not only looked interesting (genuinely), but he actually had the right experience for, he applied for it there and then. He couldn't believe his luck when they contacted him for an interview. He thought Charlie would be happy for him, thought that being able to contribute to the relationship would be a good thing. Except it started the biggest argument they'd ever had and Dan ended up storming out of the flat and getting drunk in the old Uni bar. 

OK, so he may have neglected to mention straight away the job was in London. That was definitely an oversight on Dan's part, granted, but he really thought that this was a good thing and could be great. For them both! But Charlie wouldn't listen to him, somehow choosing instead to believe Dan was being manipulative or that he was "running away."  _W_ _hatever that meant._

"This is so typical you!" Charlie shouted, "Why didn't you say it's in London? You deliberately kept that little detail from me." 

"I did tell you!" Dan tried to defend himself, which made everything a hundred times worse. 

"No. You didn't. If I hadn't have asked, when would you have let that slip? After the interview? After the job offer? Or on moving day?" 

Whilst drowning his sorrows, Dan began to lament on his life in Leeds, away from his family and friends. It was only 200 miles, and less than 3 hours on the train, but sometimes that felt like a lifetime. 

It's not like they'd never talked about moving before. But Charlie was from Leeds and had never lived anywhere else. His job was there, his family and friends were all in the West Yorkshire area and the idea of moving to London - with the tube and the ridiculous rent prices - didn't exactly fill him with joy. But as Dan pointed out,  _Dan_ was from London and he was struggling to get anywhere with his career in Leeds. 

The point was, they were both miserable where they were. Or more accurately, Dan was miserable and his constant bad mood was rubbing off on Charlie. They hardly ever saw each other and when they did all they did was snip and snipe. Call him an optimist, but Dan thought a new job, in a new place, on more neutral territory, could be exactly what they needed. A fresh start, a new era. Somewhere they could both work and contribute, somewhere they could both get want they wanted, together. 

"Can we talk?" Charlie asked softly, sitting next to Dan on the bed. 

Dan put his book down and immediately started to panic at the look on Charlie's face. They'd not really spoken since Dan had stormed out, he knew he should apologise but he couldn't figure out how to do that without backing down about the move. 

Charlie took a deep breath and ran his fingers through Dan's freshly chopped hair. Charlie loved the new cut, but Dan couldn't get used to the short back and sides. He originally got it cut before graduation, mostly for his mother's benefit but he'd kept it short ever since (because, let's be honest, he'd be laughed out of the room if he turned up to any interviews sporting a bird's nest on his head). 

"You really want to move to London?" Charlie asked quietly. 

Dan nodded, not being able to say anything. 

Charlie looked so serious, like he was still working things out in his head, "And this job," he continued, "It’s really what you want to do?"

Dan stopped breathing, he searched Charlie's face for clues but came up short. He couldn't help but anticipate Charlie's next words to be, 'OK, you go. I'll stay. Have a nice life Smithy, it's been fun. Now get out of my house.' Or something to that effect. 

"OK," Charlie said nodding slowly. 

"OK?" 

"OK," he said again, finally cracking a wide smile, "OK we'll move to London." 

Dan screamed and jumped at Charlie. He wrapped his long limbs around the smaller man and smothered him with kisses. 

"I mean, I haven't even got the job yet," Dan laughed into Charlie's neck. 

"You will, or the next one, or the next. We'll figure it out." 

 

Dan did get the job. It was a lot harder than he thought and money was still tight. As it turned out having an actual job with real responsibilities is fucking stressful. But really, all shitty office jobs are much the same as each other in the end - office politics, corporate nonsense and convoluted processes - it's all crap. 

So his job wasn't  _exactly_ journalism, but rather an account manager for a marketing company. And even though it was super stressful for no money, they got free beer on a Friday and the clients included ITN and Channel 4, so it was pretty cool and he made some good contacts. 

It took a couple of months for Dan's parents to stop suggesting he and Charlie move in with them. It was well-intentioned and all in aid of helping them save money (read: start to pay them back for everything Dan had borrowed). But Dan liked his poky little house in Tooting, he liked living in a house-share with his friends and his boyfriend and  _not_ his parents. They were living with Sophie and her friend Will, it was like being back at Uni, and comparably their rent wasn't extortionate. Of course it didn't hurt that Charlie was starting to do really well at his finance job. 

Dan didn't totally understand what Charlie did for a living but he knew it was for a law firm, involved money and he got to travel a lot, which was pretty cool. Especially the times when Dan got to go with him. Like last week when they went to Edinburgh; it was kind of like a free holiday. Even though Dan had to sneak into the hotel, and wander around by himself during the day whilst Charlie was at work. But still, it was free and they got to have loud shower-sex which is a total no-go when you live with your mates. 

All in all, everything was going well. That is, if Dan didn't think about how he and Charlie argued all the time, or about how Charlie didn't like that Dan drank a lot and stayed out all hours with his mates. Dan determinedly did not think about how he didn't know if he was with Charlie because he loved him or if it was because he was totally, devastatingly lost and didn't know what he would do without him.

He especially did  _not_ think about Kyle. Or how abandoned he felt after Kyle left, and how angry he was with him, still. And never did he think about how he wasn't angry with him at all, actually. But instead when he did let himself think about Kyle, it wasn't not anger he felt but a longing, that dull ache of regret. The kind of wistfulness that comes with a fleeting summer romance. 

 

Kyle never came back to Leeds. After that first summer, where they spent the whole time talking, wanting and missing each other. After that summer that Kyle left Leeds to go gallivant around the country and then Europe, he never came back to study. Dan didn't even know if he ever finished Uni, whether he deferred, finished it online, or simply dropped out. 

When Kyle wasn't working abroad he stayed in London, he came back to Leeds once whilst Dan was still there, but Dan only found that out after when photos went up onto various social medias. They kept in sparse contact for a time, a few texts here, a brief exchange there, but it was nothing compared to what they once had been. 

At some point Kyle stopped calling Dan 'Danny'. Dan wasn't sure exactly when that was but it fucking sucked and the eventual realisation that without the promise of being able to see each other conversation, and then their friendship, sort of fizzled into nothing.

Dan drunk dialled Kyle one night. After a few months of not talking, he'd found some inane excuse to text Kyle and they'd had a few days of back and forth. It was almost like they'd gone back to normal, it was easy and fun and exciting. They'd not actually spoken in a while but that didn't stop drunk Dan. They used to do this all the time, they used to call each other for hours and right then he just desperately needed to hear Kyle's voice. 

Kyle answered, his voice croaky and confused with sleep, "Dan?" he asked. It was like a dagger to the heart, "Dan? Why are you calling me? Are you OK?" 

Dan stuttered some made up excuse he no longer remembered and put the phone down. Apparently they didn't do that anymore. Apparently they could text for hours about the tragic closet cases Kyle was  _fucking_. But Dan couldn't call him. He needed a  _reason_. Apparently they could flirt and pretend they were going to see each other the next time Kyle was in the UK. But they did not talk on the phone, and Dan was no longer Danny.  _Well, fuck that._

 

Dan was so angry with Kyle. He still wanted Kyle and missed him and would do anything to have him back. But every time they spoke something would happen, and all the residual upset would come rushing back to Dan. Kyle wouldn't reply quickly enough, or would leave his message on read. Maybe Kyle would reply with a one word answer or would rebuff a clear come-on, explaining how he was kind of seeing someone. 

 _‘So!?_ ’ Dan would always want to scream at him, _‘It's OK to talk about how much you wanna fuck my brains out when I have a boyfriend, but suddenly you're a pillar of the community when you’re not single?_ ’  _Fucking dickhead._  

So when Kyle text Dan would ignore it for a few days or reply sharply with one word answers. It was childish and he hated himself for it, but what was he supposed to do? He'd been abandoned, and Kyle could literally not care less about him. 

But really, he wasn't angry with Kyle. He wanted to be, but he was angrier with himself. Angry at himself for being played, angry at always being the one to seek out Kyle's attention, and even angrier when he sulked when Kyle wouldn't give it to him. 

He was haunted by thoughts of 'what it'. What if he had only been braver and not so proud? He could have told Kyle how he felt before he left. What if Kyle had been too scared too, what if he'd been waiting for Dan to give a sign that he liked him too?

Eventually the anger faded and Dan thought about Kyle less and less. But what never faded was the feeling of  _missing_ , the feeling of 'what if'. When Dan did let himself think about Kyle he was filled with a longing. He was well-aware that his feelings were completely one sided, and fuelled by that dizzy feeling of not being in control of your own life. Kyle was a fantasy. He was off living an exciting life, the life he always wanted, he was living his dreams. Whereas Dan was stuck in a life he didn't want, a life he sort of fell into it. He had no direction, no clue, and no hope. 

Dan missed Kyle. But if he was honest, more than anything he missed the friendship. That one summer spent on the phone, laughing and talking and setting the world to rights, when they never got sick of each other, and it didn't matter how much they spoke they never ran out of things to say. Dan missed that feeling of knowing he was the last thing Kyle thought about before he went to bed and the first thing he thought about when he woke up. Dan loved how Kyle made him feel. He made him feel fun, and wild and free. Kyle made Dan feel like the person he'd always wanted to be.

At Dan's lowest moments he would text Kyle, just to make sure he didn't forget him. He knew how manipulative that might have seemed but he just needed to know Kyle thought of him, just once in a while. Every now and again. 

It's not like he sat there wishing Kyle was miserable without him. He knew Kyle had boyfriends and he wasn't jealous of them, not really. After all, that would make him a hypocrite, right? 

 

*

 

_Kyle: Guess who's in town?_

_Dan: It better be someone more interesting than you_

Dan couldn't stop smiling at his phone. He and Kyle hadn't talked since Kyle had told him that his new piece was "the hottest thing you've ever seen, Dan seriously you would  _die_!" he knew he shouldn't get annoyed, but he did. And not just because when he Facebook stalked 'the hottest thing you've ever seen', and he was the complete opposite of Dan, yeah, that really fucking sucked. 

But now it would seem the boyfriend was out of the picture. It was a shame and he hated himself for it. But Kyle only text him when he was single, and Dan went crawling every time. Metaphorically of course. Because up until now, Dan had yet to see Kyle in... What was it now, 2 years? 

So when Dan arrived at the bar, a trendy little place that boasted craft beer and house roasted coffee, his heart was beating so rapidly, hands shaking so violently he nearly didn't go inside. As fate would have it, he was early, something that he'd rarely experienced before. He hovered out the front slowing smoking his last cigarette and trying not to look as nervous as he felt. 

The bar was a little further into the city than Dan would usually venture for one drink, which was the idea of course. He had deliberately selected somewhere far enough away that there was no risk of them bumping into anyone they knew.  _Maybe this was a bad idea?_

A few minutes later Dan had smoked the roll-up right down to the tiny filter. One handed he counted out the change in his pocket, trying to see if he had enough for some tobacco and a drink. But came up about £4.60 short.  _Fuck London_ , he thought for possibly the one-thousandth time. 

As he stuffed the shrapnel back into his pockets a shadow fell across his face. Before he saw him, before he heard him, he knew it was Kyle. Slowly he looked up into the face he had longed to see for the best part of two years.  

"Hi Danny." 

 

*


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> please forgive me for this chapter, it was an absolute beast to write and I still hate it tbh. 
> 
> Any and all comments are very gladly received! I would love to know what you guys think of this offering, this story is quickly becoming a labour of love. Why is writing so hard? Writer's block is really real guys and this god-awful story is kicking my arse for real! 
> 
> Anyway, I'll shut up,  
> much love xxx

_// Chapter 6 //_

_// I Wish That I Was Your Drug //_

 

Dan slammed the freezer door shut and stormed back into the living room, a tea towel wrapped around a bag of frozen peas. Kyle flinched when he saw it, anticipating the pain. But Dan's soft movements were a stark contrast to the thunder in his eyes, and the cold immediately lessened the searing pain in his face. 

"Are you angry at me, Danny?" Kyle asked pathetically. 

"Of course he's not!" Sophie answered quickly, flitting about the room in a slightly panicked fashion. 

Dan huffed and shook his head. Kyle could just about see his jaw clench as he continued to hold the ice pack to Kyle's throbbing eye. 

"What the hell happened to you?" Charlie asked walking into the living room with Will.  _Great_ , Kyle thought, just what he needed more people to witness this mess. The two men observed the scene, Dan holding the dripping bag of peas to Kyle's smashed up face as Sophie worriedly bit her nails. 

"He's a fucking idiot.  _That's_ what happened," Dan said pointedly, making Kyle's stomach twist in knots. He hated Dan being mad at him. A phenomena that was becoming ever more frequent. 

"Was this that  _boyfriend_ of yours?" Will demanded, using air quotes for emphasis. Kyle recoiled slightly under his gaze.

"I still think we should go to the hospital," Sophie fretted. 

"You should go to the police!" Will countered. 

He moved over to the sofa, taking Dan's place nursing Kyle's rapidly bruising eye. As much as Kyle loved all their concern he was too embarrassed to go anywhere, he just wanted desperately to forget the whole thing ever happened. 

"Was it him?" Will asked quietly, pulling the bag away from Kyle's eyes and surveying the damage. Kyle nodded silently and Will shook his head, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, trying to smother the anger threatening to overflow. 

Will always hated Kyle's boyfriends, convinced that Kyle had an addiction to heartache. If only he knew how true that was. But it would seem, this time, Kyle had truly outdone himself. His latest flame was so far in the closet he'd made a pretty good life for himself in Narnia. Married, kids, white picket fence and Sunday League football. The whole shebang. Unfortunately that meant that when he'd caught feels and told Kyle he loved him and Kyle had to laugh. Because it was just so ridiculous, well, the shiner on his left eye speaks for itself really. 

"Then you are an idiot," Charlie said angrily, "What do you think you're playing at still messing around with that guy?" 

"Back off Charlie," Dan shot at him and Kyle's stomach flipped, in a good way this time. 

Dan leaned against the wall with his arms folded. His brows were pulled together in a deep frown, but he no longer looked angry. Kyle met his eye and tried to give a small, crooked smile. A small thanks for Dan having his back, sticking up for him in front of Charlie, a rarity. But Dan just grumbled a weak excuse and stormed out of the room. 

 

"Charlie's right you know," Dan said, gently pressing concealer into Kyle's yellowing bruise. It was just like the time Dan made them go in drag to their annual Christmas karaoke party, and they performed Mariah Carey, All I Want for Christmas, to a standing ovation. 

"Of course he is," Kyle said, his voice dripping in sarcasm, "but about what specifically?" 

"You!" Dan said harshly, making Kyle jump back a little, "If you insist on going for all these  _fucking_ closet cases what do you expect!?" Dan exploded, clearly he'd been hanging on to this for a while. 

"Ooh, homophobic!" Kyle laughed, making Dan roll his eyes, "This sounds an awful lot like victim blaming, Smithy."

"Don't call me that," Dan said, briefly meeting Kyle's eyes before going back to the task at hand, "You know what I mean," he eventually continued between applications of foundation, "You're deliberately putting yourself in danger."

"So I deserve to get hit?"

"Of course not!" Dan snapped, taking hold of Kyle's chin, "Don't be ridiculous," Dan added with another dramatic eye roll, he turned Kyle's head from side to side surveying his work.  

Over the last week Kyle's eye had gone from bright red and swollen shut, to a less swollen, constantly changing pattern of blue, black, and purple. Now settling into a horrible, unflattering yellow-green. Shamefully Kyle had quite liked it to begin with, it was like a badge of honour, he thought it made him look tough. Plus the colours were awesome and reminded him of all the space and NASA books he'd had as a kid.

But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like holy-hell. Especially when he momentarily forgot about it and rubbed his eyes in the morning or scrubbed his face in the shower,  _fuck that shit stings._  Even the memory of it made him feel a bit sick.  

Dan sighed and put the makeup down. He hated the black eye, whenever he saw Kyle his mood instantly soured. As soon as Kyle could stand someone touching it, Dan insisted on covering it with makeup. Kyle couldn't care less but it made Dan happy so he indulged him. 

Dan took hold of Kyle's hands, rubbing his thumb softly across his knuckles, "I just want you to be safe," he said quietly, before looking deep into Kyle's eyes. 

"Danny," Kyle breathed.

Dan sat back, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, "I'm done," Dan announced. 

"With me or my face?" Kyle joked. 

"You're funny. Enjoy your date," there was a slight pause where Dan looked a little unsure. Gently he placed his hand on Kyle's good cheek, and carefully kissed the other, so gentle it was like he was scared Kyle was going to break. 

Kyle reached up to hold him but Dan pulled away. With a small, sad smile he said, "Just, just please... be careful?" 

 

Kyle had taken to spending most of his time when back in the UK flitting between Dan's house and his mum's place. His mum lived in a tiny village on the outskirts of Greater London. So considering all of his friends were now in the city, he spent more time than not at Dan's. 

It wasn't too often, only every couple of months or so, when he was between jobs or around Christmas time. And he made sure to never stay more than a week, scared to outstay his welcome. It was great most of the time. The problem was, the more time he spent with Dan, the harder it was becoming to get a handle on his feelings for him. 

It's weird, of course he had always fancied the pants off him, how can could he not. Dan was drop dead gorgeous. But now, it was starting to take over a much larger part of his brain. It was no longer enough to just speak to him when he was in London, to only see him occasionally when they both happened to be around. Kyle thought about him all the time, wanted to be talking to him and be with him constantly, found himself inventing reasons and excuses to come back.  

Charlie wasn't a fan of how close Kyle and Dan were, which was totally understandable when Kyle thought about it. He had heard them argue about him once or twice. 

"I know you used to like him!" Charlie would whisper shout. 

Their bedroom backed onto the bathroom, it's not like Kyle was eavesdropping. It was a total coincidence, he always sat on the side of the bath for twenty minutes after a shower.  

"'Used to' being the operative word here Charlo," Dan quipped. 

Kyle could hear the humour in his voice and he cringed. He recognised this from their own conversations. When Kyle had begged him to take his feelings seriously and Dan would roll his eyes and giggle like he was joking, so Kyle would pretend he _was_ joking. 

"Don't do that," Charlie said sternly. 

"What?" 

"I was there, remember? That summer you guys were like, obsessed with each other. Sometimes I worry that you're only with me because you're not with him." 

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it?" 

 

Kyle came home from his date, it was late but the house was still buzzing with activity. Will's bedroom light was on and soft jazz music was wafting down the stairs into the living room. Charlie was pottering about the kitchen and Dan was reading on the sofa, Sophie cuddled up into his side fast asleep. 

"Hey," Kyle said smiling at the sight of them. Dan frowned at him, silently shushing him and pointing to the sleeping girls in his arms. 

Sophie stirred slightly and Dan cuddled her into him a little closer, continuing to read and ignoring Kyle's presence completely. Kyle watched the old friends and suddenly he realised the sour, tight feeling in his chest was jealousy. Jealousy because Charlie clearly had no problem with Sophie. Jealousy because he knew Dan told Sophie everything. She was his comfort. Not Kyle. So what was Kyle to Dan? Anything? Nothing?

Will came into the living room, ruffling Kyle's hair as he walked passed, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

As Will walked to the kitchen, Dan squeezed his butt, Will throwing him an exaggeratedly coquettish wink in return. They silently laughed at some kind of in-joke before flipping each other off. Gently Dan unwound himself from Sophie and followed Will into the kitchen. 

Why couldn't Kyle like Will? Will had made it clear that he liked Kyle, they'd hooked up a few times, even sort of dated for a while but there was always something stopping Kyle fully committing. He didn't admit it at the time, but that something was a skinny, dark haired, blue eyed something named Dan Smith. If Kyle was ever in a relationship with one of Dan's best friends that would be the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

Kyle had no claim to Dan, never did. Dan was not his. He  _could_ have been his. In another life maybe he was. But Kyle left, and Dan made it perfectly clear over and over that the reason they weren't together was because Kyle left him. Dan was once willing, eager to be Kyle's. And Kyle was the one that fucked it up. So all the pain and wanting, was completely his own fault. 

Kyle watched Dan interact with his friends, the way he was so gentle and sweet. He could be so kind and so sincere. Did he love Dan? He definitely  _could_ , he supposed. He definitely didn't want to. Except that was a lie and he wanted nothing more than to love and be loved by Dan. 

For a moment Kyle listened to Charlie, Will and Dan laugh and joke together. He thought about Charlie. He had no issue with how close Dan and Will were, so it wasn't like he was an over protective boyfriend. It was an isolated issue with Kyle. Did that mean the feelings he had for Dan weren't so one-sided as Dan made out they were? Was there hope for them after all? 

Earlier in the day Kyle and Dan were hanging out and when Charlie came home Dan got up and moved. They weren't even doing anything. Kyle was sitting on the floor, Dan on the sofa behind him, gently running his hands over his shoulders. 

They heard the key in the door and Dan quickly, in one smooth, well practised action moved to the sofa on the other side of the room. By the time Charlie walked into the living room he was casually slumped flicking through the TV channels. 

"Hey, I was watching that," Kyle protested meekly. 

"It was boring," Dan said without looking at him. 

"Afternoon lads, what have you been up to today?" Charlie asked, throwing his backpack on the sofa next to Kyle and walking over to give Dan a peck on the cheek. 

"Nothing, just chilling," Dan answered quickly. 

Kyle cringed at his words, how easily he was able to switch from 'Danny the wild child' into 'Dan Smith, perfect boyfriend". 

"You OK?" Charlie asked Kyle, concerned. Kyle hated how much he liked Charlie. 

"Er, yeah. Bad neck," he said, shrugging. It wasn't a lie but he felt guilty the way Charlie looked at him all worried and caring. 

"You should get Dan to give you a massage, he's good at them." 

"Kyle hates my neck rubs," Dan said without skipping a beat, "Apparently I'm too gentle."

"That's true!" Charlie laughed, "You've got little butterfly fingers," he said, tickling Dan's side. 

Kyle excused himself quickly after that, making up some lame reason why he just remembered he had to make the epic journey back to his mum's. As much as he wanted to keep hanging out with the perfect couple, sometimes their flirting and laughing and  _loving_ was too much to witness. 

"What's wrong with him?" Kyle heard Charlie ask Dan. 

"Ergh, you know what he's like," Dan mumbled by way of an explanation. 

Kyle could just imagine the eye roll that went with that statement. He knew that to throw Charlie off the scent, Dan had started to act like he was annoyed at Kyle, or would argue with him more than usual. 

But still, did he have to be so fucking  _good_ at acting like he didn't actually like Kyle that much? He tried to ask Dan about it a couple of times, about why he acts like he hates him around Charlie, about how he's heard them arguing, but as usual Dan shut Kyle out.

 

*

 

"So," Kyle said quietly, sitting down on Dan's bed next to him, "You made out with Will last night." 

"I did," Dan said casually, like it was no big thing. 

"In front of Charlie," Kyle continued. 

Kyle wore a wry grin, both sat looking at each other with matching, knowing looks. Dan didn't say anything. Simply waited for Kyle, a small, playful smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. 

"Does that mean," Kyle leaned in a little closer, his voice was low, breathy, "Does that mean," they were so close he could see Dan's chest moving, his lips parted as he began to breathe heavily. 

Dan bit his lip and Kyle took a deep, steadying breath before continuing, "Does that mean... I get to kiss you... in front of Charlie now?"

Dan licked his lips, and Kyle watched his mouth, drawn to it. He couldn't look away if he tried. Dan opened his mouth to say something and Kyle moved his hand up to Dan's face. Slowly he leaned in, pulling them closer together. Kyle's nose grazed Dan's and he tilted his head back. 

"Smithy?" the front door slammed shut loudly, and Charlie's voice echoed around the house. 

The two men on the bed jumped apart, Kyle staggered to his feet and bolted from the room without missing a beat.  

 

The night before had been a big one, all things considered. They stayed out way too late and drank way too much. Despite everything Kyle was in a surprisingly good mood. He should feel awful, but he didn't. The first thing he did upon waking up was remember the image of Dan wrapped up in Will's huge arms, lips locked like they were trying to suck the life from each other. 

He played with memory in his mind for a while, and it actually didn't hurt like he would have assumed it would. Maybe because Kyle knew they were high as fuck when it happened. Or maybe it was it was because it was in front of Charlie who just laughed and rolled his eyes at the pair of them. Or maybe it was because of what this meant for Kyle. 

If Dan and Charlie were in an open relationship, did that mean Kyle and Dan could stop skirting around the subject. They were clearly into each other and maybe now they could finally get into each other's pants. Because that's all it was, right? Just sex? A purely physical attraction and nothing else? 

 

"Babe, I've got a surprise!" Charlie's voice called out as Kyle came down the stairs and into the living room, "Oh, sorry man," he said upon spotting Kyle, "Thought you were Dan, have you seen him?" 

"Er dunno, maybe he's upstairs?" Kyle shrugged, "How are you this chipper? I'm still dying from last night?" Kyle laughed trying to make conversation. 

He hated how much he liked Charlie. The guy was one of the nicest, soundest people he'd ever met. Which made Kyle feel like the biggest dick in history to tell the truth. 

"I didn't know you stayed here last night," Charlie said looking around the living room for the usual signs Kyle had crashed; discarded clothes, a sleeping bag, "Where did you stay?" 

"Erm, Will's room," Kyle said quietly, feeling the blush creep into his cheeks. 

Charlie grinned wildly, but upon seeing Kyle's wild-eyed panic, mimed zipping his mouth shut, "Your secret's safe with me, man." 

Charlie disappeared into the kitchen to make them both a cup of tea and Kyle's eyes fell on the huge box in the middle of the room. Crudely wrapped in a mixture of brown parcel paper and lined notebook paper, he was about to shout out to Charlie when Dan came bursting into the living room and excitedly squealing, "Babe! No you didn't!" 

Dan immediately dropped to his knees and tore away the wrapping. Kyle knew within seconds what was inside, spotting the logos and easily recognising them. A keyboard. A good one by all accounts. 

"I didn't know you played," Kyle said, Dan yet to acknowledge him, "me too." 

"Me and Charlie have started playing together," Dan explained. 

"Oh. Oh, yeah cool," how did Kyle not know this? 

"Did you know Dan writes songs?" Charlie said, setting three mugs down on the coffee table. 

Kyle did not know this, "What?" he asked Dan quietly, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's nothing, they're not  _real_ or anything," Dan snapped quickly. 

"He's being modest. They're good," Charlie cut in, "like,  _really_ good. My friend Woody is a drummer, he wants to get Dan some gigs." 

Charlie continued to talk about songs, and lyrics and drum fills whilst Dan sat unpacking the keyboard quietly. He looked like a child on Christmas, too busy with new toys to listen to the adults talk. He pretended not to be listening, but Kyle could see the slight flush in his cheeks and the deep frown he was wearing told Kyle he was embarrassed. 

Kyle wanted to change the subject, ease Dan's discomfort. But he was also desperate to talk about this, more than anything he wanted to hear Dan's songs. 

"Do you sing?" Kyle asked turning to Dan, who was now untangling wires. 

"No." 

"Yes, like an angel," Charlie corrected.

Music was one of Kyle's biggest passions, which was no secret. He worked in music, lived, breathed and dreamed it. His taste was broad and varied. It didn't matter the genre, if it was good and it was interesting, Kyle liked it. How had he and Dan never talked about this before? Kyle played almost any instrument you put in front of him, he didn't write songs though. Words were Dan's thing. Beats, melodies, sounds,  _noises_. That was where Kyle came alive.  

"Will," Kyle said clearing his throat, "Er, Will plays. The bass I mean, you should talk to him. Start a band," Kyle said, pushing through the atmosphere suffocating the room. 

"Yeah?" Dan said, looking up and him, and gave a soft smile. 

Then all at once everything was fine. The tense atmosphere they'd been sitting in vanished. Kyle dropped to his knees in front of Dan and helped him unpack the instrument. Soon the pair were chatting excitedly about the different buttons and knobs and settings. 

"If we run these cables through my laptop we can build a synth," Kyle said manhandling a mess of wires. 

"That's wicked!" exclaimed Dan. 

They spent the rest of the day and most of the following week jamming and making noise. Dan never showed him any of his lyrics, but they did round out a song Charlie had written a few years back. It was angsty and dark and a little emo. The whole thing came together really quickly after Kyle mixed in some sexy electronic sounds and Dan added some, quite frankly, haunting vocals. 

 

Kyle had forgotten how much he loved making music. His job was great, he loved his work and his current role as a coordinator for an events company based in Munich (effectively a glorified roadie) was his favourite yet. However all the travelling and running around was hardly conducive to creativity. 

That week with Dan (and Charlie) had been so much fun. He couldn't stop thinking about it, before he left for another festival season, he stole a copy of their song from Dan's laptop. He must have played that thing twenty times a day for the next three months. 

Falling back on his bed, he stuffed his headphones deeper into his ears. Apparently his flatmate was a real riot in the sack, if the constant giggling he could hear was anything to go by. His German had come on leaps and bounds in the past year but he was struggling to translate, "please stop having loud, lesbian sex when I'm in the house. However hot it probably is, it's just  _really_ not my thing." 

He turned his phone over in his hand, playing the same 15 seconds of their song over and over. The part where the music faded out to practically nothing and it was just Dan's isolated vocal. It was raw, and emotive, like he was crying out, reaching through the headphones to Kyle. 

He thought about Dan, more than usual. How close they were becoming, how seeing him on fleeting visits home wasn't quite enough anymore. He thought about all the shitty parts of his job and how much he had become to despise leaving London, how the thing he used to love he'd grown to resent. Maybe it was time to come home for good? 

As soon as the thought entered Kyle's mind a small excitement began to bubble in him. He couldn't wait to tell Dan. They'd be able to see each other all the time, whenever they wanted. Dan was going to hate it. 

 

*


	7. Seven

_// Chapter 7 //_

_// Who Will I Reach For When The Dark Comes In //_  


It was late spring, and Dan's favourite time of the year; the days were longer and the breeze was warm, but the air was still fresh and crisp. Unlike the muggy, stale air of the city in the oppressive height of summer. He didn't do well in the heat. His inability to dress for warm weather meant he was forever uncomfortable, over-heating in dark, sweaty, clothes. He had never been one of those golden creatures that could effortlessly waltz around in the sun looking like a glowing, tanned god. No, he would turn worryingly pink, and hide in the shade. 

Currently though, Dan was spending a lazy Sunday lying in his parent's back garden, watching his dad poke at the BBQ, confidently pretending he knew what he was doing. Charlie and his sister's husband stood with him doing their best cavemen impressions; man cook mean, man cook meat with fire.

Dan rolled his eyes at the cliche of it all. Charlie didn't even eat meat, he was a vegetarian. Yet somehow even he got caught up in the macho display of the flames. 

Moving onto his stomach, Dan picked at the page of his book, he tried to read but found instead he was just looking at it. His attention drifted over to his mum and his sister, busying themselves around the gingham covered table in the shade of a huge old oak. They were chatting and laughing, pouring drinks and talking about Fran's imminent due date. Dan smiled as he watched the two women stroke her ballooning belly.  

"He's kicking!" his mum called out, "Dan, come!" 

Dan got to his feet excitedly and gently pressed his hand to his sister's bump, feeling the tiny movements inside, marvelling at the little life growing right in front of them. 

"What does it feel like?" he asked. 

Fran paused for a minute, as if really thinking about her answer before she said, "at first it was like having butterflies in your tummy. But right now I think he's sitting on my bladder, excuse me," she said, waddling back inside the house. 

"Oh, did I miss it?" Charlie said, appearing at Dan's side a pouting slightly. 

"You've already felt it!" Dan laughed, slinging his arm around his boyfriend and placing a kiss on his temple. 

"I know, but it's just so amazing isn't it!" Charlie smiled, leaning back comfortably into Dan. 

 

*

 

It started off innocently enough. When Dan met up with Kyle in that shitty little pub half way across the city, seeing each other for the first time since they'd both left Leeds, nothing happened. Well, that's not strictly true, they talked, they flirted, they said things that definitely crossed various lines. But that's it. It's not like in the films when the two characters see each other across the room and some kind of spell comes over them and they are suddenly unable to keep their hands off each other. 

Dan's problems came a little later. When Kyle started coming back to London more, and their friendship groups started to overlap again. Suddenly they were seeing each other every few months, and true to their past forays as soon as alcohol was involved both of their decision making abilities became particularly impaired. 

The way Dan justified it to himself was that it was just a kiss, and that's OK right? He was a flirty person, and it's not like he said anything to Kyle that he wouldn't say to anyone else, or in front of Charlie. Hell, at Pride last year, he and Charlie had both made out with their new housemate, Will. The three of them had become uncomfortably close to a ménage à trois. 

The only difference being Charlie didn't know about Kyle. And Dan worked very hard to keep it that way. 

And that was a problem. Secrets have a way of growing and spreading. Like something out of a gross low-budget horror flick. 

There was one more thing. It made Dan's stomach twist slightly whenever he let the stray thought wander through his mind... was he a better boyfriend when he had these little flirtations? Kyle wasn't the first or the last of these _distractions._ These little escapes Dan found for himself from the monotony that was his life.

But he was the only one that made Dan question whether what he was doing, if he wasn't too invested. If Kyle even was that, just a distraction? Just an escape. Or was Kyle something else, entirely. Something more dangerous and destructive. 

Dan and Charlie were good at the moment, like, really good. They hadn't argued for so long Dan almost forgot about all those months they'd done nothing but. They were enjoying each other's company again, spending more time together, talking, laughing, fucking. It felt good to love and be loved. 

He hated to give the credit to Kyle, but it definitely couldn't be denied what a coincidence it was that whenever Kyle deigned Dan with attention he was a happier person. And that feeling spread to other parts of his life. 

It took years for Dan to fully realise and accept that it was when he didn't have these distractions and he was alone with his thoughts, that's things would start to go down hill and he would become self destructive. 

Dan had got so good at this compartmentalising he didn't realise that he was doing it. Kyle and 'real life' started to feel like distinctly different things - and it even began to feel like the norm. He could be happy and loving with Charlie, ignore the buzzing in his pocket until he was alone and then spend hours at a time texting Kyle. He didn't feel guilty because the thing with Kyle wasn't real. He was fiction, a fantasy, an escape. Like a film, or a book. Some people had porn, Dan had Kyle. It didn't matter what they said to each other because none of it was actually happening. 

But eventually it became undeniable, he was a better boyfriend when he was talking to Kyle. Before they'd reacquainted their friendship Dan had been miserable. He'd felt lost. He was depressed and nothing made him happy. But now he and Kyle were talking again, every time his phone lit up with Kyle's name and he couldn't suppress that embarrassing smile on his face, well, he couldn't be happier. 

Not that he would ever tell Kyle any of this. His ego was far too big as it is.

He couldn't tell anyone about it. No one would understand. He wasn't an idiot, he knew how it would sound, he was pretty sure that every cheat in history had justified their actions one way or another. But if nothing actually happened between him and Kyle, then technically it wasn't cheating, and he'd not actually done nothing wrong, right? As long as he kept his physical distance from Kyle and Charlie never found out, everyone was a winner.

 

*

 

What's that saying about best laid plans?

No matter how good an idea is, or how well thought out the plan; if something can go wrong it will go wrong. So that's how Dan found himself, pressed up against the wall in the darkest corner of the smoking area, Kyle's knee strategically placed between his legs whilst attacking his neck with his teeth, and lips, and tongue. 

Dan let out a breathless moan, "We should get back to the group," he insisted, even though he wanted anything but. 

"We told them we're on our way, just 5 more minutes?" Kyle said barely moving his lips away from Dan's flushed skin. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and let himself be taken away by the moment. 

 

Dan's heart had jumped when he looked down at his phone earlier that week.  _Hey stranger x,_ it read. 

Kyle had a boyfriend, Dan was pretty sure. He'd not heard from Kyle in a while and that was usually the sign, but Dan couldn't help but try his luck and sent very suggestive text. 

He waited for Kyle's inevitable reply - an apology for the long stretch of no contact, the excuses that he was now seeing someone, empty promises about meeting up when he was next in London. The usual spiel. But instead Dan received a date and time. An invitation to a pub crawl, a belated celebration for Kyle's birthday. Without thinking about the implications or the difficulties that might occur Dan text back immediately. 

Sitting back in his chair, Dan couldn't keep the smile off his face. So much for 'keeping his distance' he thought to himself, and fell back into his usual hobby of daydreaming about all the things they'd promised they want to do to each other. 

At some point throughout the night they realised they'd spent so much time talking at the bar they're friends had moved on without them. Dan dragged Kyle into the smoking area, if nothing else to clear his head from the crowd of sweaty bodies and the intensely pounding music.

A handful of carelessly flirty comments and a few too many touches on the arm and Kyle had him up against the wall. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted Kyle's full, undivided attention, wanted his eyes on him and only him, that predatory, needy look. Dan wanted Kyle to want him. If that meant his body flush against his, his hands in Dan's t-shirt and moaning into his neck then so be it. 

"Five more minutes," Kyle breathed against his skin, like Dan was a drug he just needed a little more of. 

Fine by Dan, he didn't want to go home, he wanted to stay with Kyle but couldn't figure out how that would be possible. He wanted to go back to Kyle's. He was staying with some friends, and Dan was pretty sure they wouldn't mind him bringing an extra guest. They never usually did, so he'd heard.

He didn't necessarily want sex, though he knew it was a possibility and at this point, he definitely wouldn't say no if Kyle asked.  

They fell out of the bar with the other punters and stood awkwardly by the side of the road. 

"So," Kyle said looking around for a taxi. 

Dan had thought that he might invite him back to watch a film or something like he used to, but he didn't. Dan was running out of time, he really didn't want to go home alone, god knows how long it would be until he saw Kyle again. He'd leave and they'd go back to hardly talking. He just needed this one night. 

Kyle's taxi pulled up next to them, in a moment of panic, Dan said the first thing that came into his stupid drunk brain, "I think Charlie's cheating on me!" It was a lie, a stupid lie, and it had exactly the opposite result to what Dan wanted.

It did get him the invite back to where Kyle was staying, but instead of watching a film and carrying on their make-out session, Kyle was concerned. Maybe he'd suddenly had a crisis of confidence about his own relationship, or maybe his feelings for Dan were limited to Friends-that-occasionally-kiss-but-are-strictly-friends? Because as soon as they got back Kyle made him a cup of tea and made Dan talk about Charlie. For _hours._

Talking about your cheating boyfriend, who actually is not cheating and is in fact lovely and asleep at home waiting for you is categorically  _not_ sexy. Dan felt anxious and guilty and scared about being caught in a lie. Kyle turned down Dan's request for more alcohol and any attempt Dan made to change the subject. There was no flirting, no playful banter, no touching. Just Kyle's sympathetic eyes and his suffocating concern. At 6 am Dan pretended to call a taxi and left. 

He wandered through the city, back to the house and climbed into bed, which was somehow one hundred times more comfortable that he remembered. Charlie sleepily wrapped his arms around him and Dan momentarily relished in the gesture, breathing in the scent of him and nuzzling closer. Charlie was so warm, so comfortable and so safe. 

"Hey," Charlie sighed sleepily, "You're back late, or early," he huffed a quiet, whispered laugh. 

"Yeah, went to that horrible bar under the bridge that's open til 6." 

"The one you hate? Rather you than me."

Dan could hear the smile in Charlie's voice as he turned into Dan's arms and drifted back to sleep. Dan smiled too and just let himself feel this moment. 

Before the disastrous evening came flooding back to him. 

The feel of Kyle's lips on his neck felt suddenly a million miles away and he couldn't get the image of his concerned eyes, the pitying smile, out of his head. A pathetic sob escaped him and big fat tears rolled awkwardly down his cheek, soaking into his ear and hair and pillow.

 

*

 

Dan thought about that night a lot, how desperately he'd wanted Kyle. But as well, how happy he had been to see Charlie. When he climbed into bed that morning he'd been overcome with such a sense of relief, an overwhelming feeling of  _home_.

Is it possible to be in love with two people? Probably not.

Sometimes Dan thought maybe he wasn't in love with either of them, that maybe he was incapable of love. How could he be so infatuated with Kyle, or the idea of Kyle but still know or think he loves Charlie? How can you be in love with someone and still willingly hoping and wanting someone else? 

He was selfish. The idea of Charlie finding out about Kyle made him feel sick. He was slowly coming around to the realisation that he was wrong and twisted and fucked up. He'd convinced himself what he was doing was OK. But he knew it wasn't. If it was OK surely he could tell Charlie and it would all be OK. No, if Charlie knew it would hurt him so badly and Dan would lose them both. 

For the first time ever, it was Dan that had ceased contact. He stopped replying to Kyle's messages and physically and emotionally put the distance between them he had always pretended was there. It was surprisingly easy. Whenever Kyle's name appeared on his phone his stomach would twist uncomfortably, his heart would race and he got all hot and found it hard to breathe. 

It didn't take a genius to work out that this due to guilt. And to compromise for his misdemeanour he vowed to be the best boyfriend he could be.  

He just wished that involved staying away from Kyle. But it didn't. 

 

*

 

Kyle came back to London. And then he kept coming back to London.

Before Dan knew it they were once again inseparable. They saw each other as much as they could and they fell into a comfortable friendship, as long as they didn't talk about feelings, or their boyfriends, at all it was surprisingly, fine.

They talked a lot and hung our with their friends, who were now _their_ friends, which was also fine. And it sort of became almost habit to get drunk and make out, which was definitely more than fine. It was fucking fantastic actually. Finally they had found the perfect balance.

No one got hurt or upset because everything was clear and open. They fancied each other, but it could never happen. So they were friends, who occasionally kissed, but nothing more than that. Their little secret. It had rules and limits and boundaries. Like a game. No telling anyone else, nothing whilst sober, nothing physically below the belt and definitely  _no feelings_. 

 

"How long are you here for this time?" Dan asked breathlessly. 

Kyle didn't answer, just continued to kiss Dan's neck, cheeks, shoulder, anything he could reach. It was a bad sign, it meant that it was shorter than he'd let on. 

"Kyle, I'm serious, how long are you here for?" Dan pushed Kyle off him so he could look at his eyes. Kyle was a terrible liar. 

"How long do you want me for?" he smirked, deflecting the question. 

 _Forever,_ "I dunno, I normally get bored of you after like 15 minutes, so you've got about 3 more minutes I'd say," Dan shrugged and feigned indifference. Kyle clearly wasn't in a talking mood and that suited Dan just fine. 

"Well, better make the most of it then," Kyle grinned and shoved Dan harder against the wall, going back to attacking his neck. 

It turned out that Kyle was in London just short of two weeks. 10 days to be exact. And Dan saw him on every single one of them. Those days before Kyle left, those glorious few days of ciders in the park, lazy days lying on Dan's living room floor watching the shadows move from one end of the room to the other, well, they were perfect. 

"I have been thinking," Dan said suddenly, cutting through the comfortable silence. 

"Dangerous," Kyle mumbled sleepily.

It was on one of the rare days they'd made the trip out to Kyle's mum's house. Dan's house was full of people on the weekends and Kyle's family were almost always out doing their own thing. Another unspoken rule of their friendship was that  that their friendship - it happened behind closed doors and in the sanctuary of their own private bubble. In front of everyone else they were perfectly civil, if a little distant. 

They were lying on Kyle's bed, in the same position for hours. Dan lying with his head on Kyle's legs, ignoring the gnawing in his stomach looking at the sparseness of Kyle's room, a permanent reminder that he no longer lived here and their days were numbered. 

Kyle, seemingly absentmindedly ghosting a hand through Dan's hair occasionally, as the light slowly faded from the room. Neither of them having the energy to turn on the light, instead opted to let the room darken as the sun set and bursts of colour exploded across the sky outside. 

"Feel free to say no," Dan continued undeterred, "but I have a lot of annual leave left and it's a kind of a 'use it or lose it' situation... and well Charlie is going away for a week with work and I just thought, maybe, I could-"

"Danny you're rambling," Kyle said, his eyes were closed but he was smiling as he listened to Dan stutter and fumble through his words. 

"Forget it it's a stupid idea," Dan tried to backtrack and buried his head in Kyle's lap. 

"No, say it!" Kyle urged, laughing as he sat up to get a better look at Dan.

"No!" Dan attempted needlessly to hide his rapidly reddening cheeks. 

Kyle pulled his hands away, "Dan, I want you to say it."

Dan slowly turned, he looked at his wrist, Kyle's hold on it, watching him rubbing gentle circles with his thumb. Dan bit his lip and met Kyle's eyes. 

"I just thought, maybe I could take the week off and we could, um, like, hang out? Or something."

"All week?" Kyle said, a smile spreading across his face. 

Dan nodded, not able to look away from Kyle, the last of the light shone on his face, and his usually black eyes were alight with colour, chocolate and hazel. 

"I'd like that," Kyle said softly, shuffling a little so they were lying parallel. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah," he replied and kissed Dan's lips lightly.

 

*

 

There was only a week until Kyle left again. Seven days. Seven days to spend with only each other, it felt like a lifetime spanning out on front of them. The possibility of being able to do anything, go anywhere. But really it didn't matter to Dan if they did nothing at all. He just wanted to be with Kyle. 

They sat in the park, drinking cider and cheap supermarket wine, the sun on their backs, their legs on the grass like they always did. Kyle told Dan about all the places he'd been, the people he'd met, the bands he'd worked with. And Dan told Kyle a few stories about the friends they shared. 

He thought he'd feel inferior having nothing interesting or note worthy to contribute, but he didn't. Kyle didn't seem to see it that way. They talked about everything, sharing the lives they'd missed out on by only speaking sporadically for two years. 

Kyle especially liked the stories about Dan's new nephew. Dan told him about the first time he held him, the fiery, little red head was a matter of minutes old. His sister sat in the hospital bed, exhausted but deliriously happy. 

"He's gorgeous Fran," Dan had said, not being able to tear his eyes away from the tiny bundle in his arms. 

"He looks like an old man," Fran laughed sleepily. 

"He looks like your Dad," Charlie countered. 

"Exactly," Dan and his sister said at the same time, creating a ripple of quiet laughter around the room. Dan stroked a finger lightly across the little button nose, the puckered lips, the squashed brow. He couldn't believe his beautiful, brilliant, idiot sister had managed to create something this perfect. 

"Maybe we could babysit! That would be cool," Kyle enthused. 

"He's eleven weeks old," Dan scoffed. 

"Maybe in a few years then," Kyle lay back in the grass thoughtfully. Dan's heart definitely did not squeeze and jump around his body that Kyle was making plans for them  _years_ into the future. 

But in the end, seven days felt unfairly brief. There was no time to create habits, routine or context. Sickeningly short, they couldn't do much more than walk around London, the same streets they'd grown up in, or take Kyle's mum's car a little further afield. But enough time for Dan to panic constantly that they were wasting the precious few hours they had together. 

It was enough for their relationship to go from playful flirting, taking jabs at each other, bickering and winding each other up to a quiet gentleness that simultaneously excited and terrified Dan. Kyle smiling sweetly, trailing his fingers over the lines on Dan's palms. Kissing his wrists, his shoulder, his forehead, anything he could reach. 

It sent Dan's head spinning. He was so unsure how to feel about this new part of their dynamic. He loved it. The way Kyle moved about him with confidence, like they belonged to each other. So easy and carefree, no shyness, no doubt, completely comfortable. 

It terrified him, it made him feel so accepted and safe and happy, like he could stay in their little bubble forever. Like he couldn't live without it, without Kyle. Like he would keep wanting this, wanting Kyle here like this.

He wanted him to stay. 

Dan knew that Kyle would leave. He was now a broken, ruined thing. Because Kyle was going to leave and even though Dan was made from hurt and anger, he would come running whenever Kyle wanted. 

They played this game that Dan was in control. That Kyle showered him with affection and Dan kept his from Kyle, made him beg for it. But it wasn't true. Not really. Because after their game was done Kyle would go back to his life and Dan would be dropped until the next time Kyle wanted to play, wanted a distraction, a bit of fun. It was game to Kyle, and that was fine. It suited them perfectly. But of course for Dan it was a coping mechanism. It stopped himself getting too invested, too hurt. 

 

*

 

The morning of Kyle's last day in London Dan woke up early. He sat bolt upright, dripping in a cold sweat and panting like he was out of breath. Feeling instantly ashamed of the amateur dramatics, he rolled over and sighed at the empty bed. He put his hand in the space where Charlie should be and he thought about Kyle. 

He'd tried to block this out, tried not to think about the inevitable moment when he had to say goodbye to Kyle. Again. He thought about when Kyle left Leeds, and the fact that Dan never got a proper goodbye. But it would be different this time. They were spending the day together, but would that somehow make it harder? 

When Kyle told him he was leaving Leeds. It was flippant, like he was telling him good news, like he was going on holiday. Which, Dan supposed, it was good news. Good news for Kyle that is.

Dan remembered how upset he was, how he'd waited and waited for Kyle to talk to him about it, properly. He hadn't expected some dramatic, romantic proposal, but at the very least he'd expected more than the one phone call. They'd never spoken about it after that one conversation, lying on their childhoods beds, wanking over the phone. Like they weren't full grown adults who could just meet up and fuck if they wanted. 

Kyle had carried on like he wasn't leaving Dan. Dan carried on like he wasn't heartbroken at the thought. 

A little part of Dan expected, no not expected,  _hoped_ , that when Kyle finally did talk to him, he and follow it up with - "you should come with me!" Or maybe more realistically, "I'm leaving, but I like you and have very much enjoyed making out with you and would very much like to be your boyfriend." Yeah, that would have been just dandy.

But that never happened, and Kyle's last night in Leeds rolled around without fanfare and without ceremony. Just another drunken night out where nothing was talked about, or promised.

 

With force, Dan got out of bed and pushed all thoughts aside. It wouldn't do to dwell on the last time Kyle had left him. It was different this time. Dan wasn't expecting or hoping for a future together, for a grand gesture, for whispered declarations of love. They were just friends now, and that's exactly what Dan wanted. 

He didn't want to think about last time, and all the other times before that. He wanted to enjoy his last day with Kyle, the way things were now. This fun, easy friendship they'd fallen into. If all Dan got from Kyle was that? Then that was pretty fucking OK with him. 

 

There had been an atmosphere all day and had come to a head as they cooked dinner in Dan's empty house. Dan had been bristling all day, short tempered and sullen. Kyle had called him out whilst they cooked dinner, saying Dan was just trying to start a fight with him because it was his last night. 

"Why would I do that?" Dan snapped, stirring too aggressively, sending pasta sauce splashing onto the stove top. 

"I don't know, Dan. Why do you do anything you do?" Kyle sighed and left him alone in the kitchen. 

Dinner had been tense, but Kyle had cracked a few lame jokes and Dan had laughed at them by way of apology. He took the dishes back into the kitchen and from his vantage point he could see Kyle looking at a book, not reading it. 

The record player crackled in the background, the album having finished some time ago. On his way to Kyle, Dan flipped the record over and soft violins began to play, followed by the smooth, dulcet tones of Sam Cooke singing about changes and hard times. Kyle looked up from his book, found Dan's eyes and smiled, that sad half-smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.  

Dan held out his arms to Kyle. He walked the few paces to him with something more devilish now twinkling in his eye. Kyle took Dan's hand and gently, skillfully turned him around. With Dan's back to Kyle's chest, he wrapped his arms around him and they swayed to the music.

Running his hand down Dan's arm, Kyle gripped his hands and in a fast, smooth movement spun Dan around again and held him at arms length. An embarrassing giggle escaped Dan's lips, surprising them both. 

"I didn't know you could dance," Dan excalimed, moving back into Kyle's arms. 

"I didn't know you could make that noise!" Kyle laughed, properly, for the first time that day. 

Dan leaned into Kyle, so they swayed cheek to cheek, and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of their bodies moving together and their finger's intertwined. It is a strange moment when you realise that you are in the middle of a memory. To know that what is happening right now, this second, you will remember forever. It strange to know, as sad as it seems, that this will be your happy place, and try as you might, this will be the most content you will ever be. 

Dan wanted to stay in this moment forever; not thinking about Kyle packing and saying goodbye and the hundreds of miles that were going to be between them tomorrow. 

Maybe they were destined to be like this forever; lovers doomed to see each other for a fleeting romance before going back to their normal lives. Like the Golden Years lovers from  _Love in the Time of Cholera,_  meeting once a year for eighty years before being killed on a boat and their secret romance outed. Okay, maybe not the last part but the perpetual unrequited love idea remains. 

Dan felt Kyle lean his head on Dan's, felt his contended sighs as they continued to sway gently to the music. Even when once again the record finished the two stayed like that together. 

Kyle's hand lifted and buried itself in Dan's hair, "I really like your hair," he whispered, "Have I ever told you that?" 

Dan shook his head, not daring to look at Kyle. 

Kyle pulled away slowly, put a hand to Dan's cheek and gently stroked his cheek, "And your eyes, have I ever told you how much I like them?" 

"No," Dan answered, his voice cracking. 

"And this?" Kyle asked, running his fingers down Dan's neck and across the small point where his throat met his chest. Dan shook his head again, not trusting himself to speak, watching, waiting for Kyle.

Kyle's hands dropped to the hem of Dan's t-shirt. He pulled it slightly, watching for Dan's reaction. His fingers dipped underneath and gripped his hip. Dan's eyes closed and he leaned into the touch, a moan rumbling quietly in him.

Biting his lip, Dan looked up into Kyle's eyes. Immediately he saw that stormy, lustful look that he'd come to crave. Kyle slipped a finger into Dan's belt loop and forcefully pulled him towards him. There was a beat, a moment where Kyle's eyes searched Dan's, for what? Encouragement, permission? 

In a burst of heady confidence, and with shaking hands Dan pulled his t-shirt over his head. Kyle's eyes bored into him. Lifting his hand to move gently Dan's collarbone, to the dark hard scattering his chest, down the soft panes of his stomach. 

A breath caught in his throat, as Kyle slowly dropped his hands from Dan and pulled his own soft, white t-shirt over his head. Dan shamelessly moved his eyes over his body. Trying to carve it into his memory, the golden skin, the lean muscle, the whisper of dark hair. 

Dan's stomach flipped, this was going to happen. This was finally going to happen. Impatient for Dan's approval, Kyle took Dan's hands and placed them on his body, watching as Dan investigated every inch, every muscle. 

Kyle's body responded to Dan's touch miraculously. He sighed, and moaned. Goosebumps appeared, following the path Dan's hands travelled. Down down, until the reached the waistband of his jeans. He heard Kyle's sharp intake of breath, his name on his lips. 

"Danny." 

Their lips crashed together. They'd become so good at this and Dan knew exactly what to do to make Kyle's knees weak. He gripped his lip in his teeth and felt Kyle buck against him. 

Dan was the first to break them apart, no longer being able to stand it, the strangling, consuming affection. He pulled back and saw exactly what he'd been afraid to see, the loving gaze pouring from Kyle was almost painful to look at. 

Kyle traced his fingers across Dan's cheek, his lips, taking his chin and pulling Dan to look at him. It was such a quiet, kind gesture. Dan twisted uncomfortably, feeling unworthy of such attention. 

"Have I ever told you how much I like you?"

"You should tell me now," Dan's voice was but a whisper.  

"I like you very, very much. I think I- Dan I want you. I want you to be mine." 

A bubble of fear was growing in him, if Kyle was getting feelings, real feelings then they were in trouble. They were racing headfirst into dangerous territory but he couldn't stop. 

"You're like a song stuck in my head, I think about you a lot. All the time, actually." 

It was so sincere, so real. Dan was panicked. He was annoyed at Kyle then, why was he trying to ruin this? This thing they had was perfect. It was fun, and easy. They could be exactly who they wanted to be. Dan could be wild, dangerous, irresistible. Kyle had his damsel in distress, he could live out his saviour fantasy without ever having to actually stick around have the burden of a relationship. He didn't have the damaged, broken thing to look after. He could be a hero and a free agent. This was perfect, why was he ruining it?

Dan knew what the attraction of this arrangement was for Kyle. And he was OK with that. Kyle had his life, a career. He had his plethora of one night stands and a string of faux relationships. But Kyle was unable to actually commit to anything. Which was why Dan was perfect. Because Dan couldn't commit, it meant Kyle could play out his little married couple fantasy without the little tiny inconvenience of an actual relationship. 

"God, Dan, I-" Kyle started. But Dan had to cut him off. 

"Stop," Dan held out his hand. 

He straightened his shoulders, clenched his jaw and set his face in the perfect mask of exasperation. Like Kyle's feelings are as expected as they are inconvenient. Which is only half the case. 

"Kyle," he sighed, letting him know exactly how frustrating this whole farce is. Rather than that by Kyle pretending these feelings are real isn't tearing him up inside. How dare he ruin this thing they have. How dare Kyle play him like this. 

"Fuck you Dan," is the last thing Kyle says before he leaves. There was a lot of shouting and a lot of swearing (Kyle). A lot carefully aimed lies, spiteful sentences designed to inflict maximum damage (Dan). 

Kyle left after Dan explained to him, calmly, a smile playing on his lips that they were just friends and he'd done nothing to make Kyle think they were anything more than that. He was breaking Kyle's heart to save his own. Because what was the alternative, to go along with Kyle's declaration of love, beg him to stay so can Kyle can have his dramatic, teary goodbye?

He was still going to leave regardless of whatever Dan said. So why not save a little face and what was left of his dignity? 

Kyle went back to his life and Dan was left behind, again, pining and hurting and waiting.

Again. 

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a long garbage chapter. I'm sorry this took so long to get out. Although probably no one is even reading anymore. Haha enjoy :) x


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